....if they could, no-one said.
It went SO well!
Every word of my first sermon just seemed to flow, no fluffed lines, no mistakes and it seemed to be really well received.
I stepped up to the lectern and could swear my heart was banging away so loudly that it could be heard at the back of the church.
One small hiccup of emotion about a third of the way through (after all this was a HUGE undertaking for me) but I gave myself a mental kick and carried on.
And the feedback was so great! It was lovely when people came up to me and said how much they'd enjoyed it. Even the baptism parents thanked me at the end (Thanking me? It's usually the vicar who's thanked, not little old me. THAT felt great!)
So I got home all hyped up, super excited and raring to go again, but now it's time to calm down and look forward to the next few weeks worth of duties in the run up to Christmas.
(But I'm still like a kid in a sweet shop, woopee!)
Thursday 1 December 2011
Monday 21 November 2011
A full house you say?
I really WILL be needing God's help then!
I visited John the other day to go over my duties for the next few weeks, including the Christmas schedule and this coming Sunday's service where I'll be let loose on the congregation for the first time preaching.
We were talking about my sermon and how it's developing and John then mentioned something in passing that I almost missed.
"What was that you said John? Sorry I missed that..."
"Yes, I was just saying that we have a baptism on Sunday aswell, so that'll be nice"
"BAPTISM???? You mean that I'll be preaching to a full house, like 60 odd people?"
"Yes, but I'm sure you'll be fine"
Oh Lord in Heaven above, please help me!
So I've gone from fairly confident that I'll say the right thing in the right way to a bag of nerves, terrified I'll make a huge slip up and end up sounding like a blathering idiot.
Put the right words in my mouth please Lord!
I visited John the other day to go over my duties for the next few weeks, including the Christmas schedule and this coming Sunday's service where I'll be let loose on the congregation for the first time preaching.
We were talking about my sermon and how it's developing and John then mentioned something in passing that I almost missed.
"What was that you said John? Sorry I missed that..."
"Yes, I was just saying that we have a baptism on Sunday aswell, so that'll be nice"
"BAPTISM???? You mean that I'll be preaching to a full house, like 60 odd people?"
"Yes, but I'm sure you'll be fine"
Oh Lord in Heaven above, please help me!
So I've gone from fairly confident that I'll say the right thing in the right way to a bag of nerves, terrified I'll make a huge slip up and end up sounding like a blathering idiot.
Put the right words in my mouth please Lord!
Monday 31 October 2011
Watch out, preacher in training on the loose!
Will my nerves get the better of me?
So yesterday was our All Saints eve service, and also Molly's first communion in our own church. It was lovely - she was beaming, I was beaming, the vicar was beaming! Bless her.
It was also a lovely occasion because not only did we dedicate the new flags which have been donated to the church (a Union flag and a St George's cross flag) but my husband and the Warden's husband got to go up on the roof and raise the Union flag.
It really was lovely to see it flying from the flagpole, he was really proud to have got up there, although it was a tight squeeze up the tower, and you can imagine how windy it would have been on the roof of a church positioned right on the top of a hill - cracking views though by all accounts.
I've got a few things to look forward to in the next couple of months. Firstly a home visit from the DDO, to meet the family and have a chat about my journey and what they think of it all.
Then on 27th November my first experience of preaching. If it is what I think it is, leading the service from the service book, it shouldn't be too daunting as it's all laid out for me, but it still doesn't stop me being nervous!
I've also been asked to be server at another church the following month, lead intercessions on Christmas Day and preach again in January - PHEW!!
How do I feel?
I'm very excited and I hope the congregation will forgive me if I fluff my lines!
So yesterday was our All Saints eve service, and also Molly's first communion in our own church. It was lovely - she was beaming, I was beaming, the vicar was beaming! Bless her.
It was also a lovely occasion because not only did we dedicate the new flags which have been donated to the church (a Union flag and a St George's cross flag) but my husband and the Warden's husband got to go up on the roof and raise the Union flag.
It really was lovely to see it flying from the flagpole, he was really proud to have got up there, although it was a tight squeeze up the tower, and you can imagine how windy it would have been on the roof of a church positioned right on the top of a hill - cracking views though by all accounts.
I've got a few things to look forward to in the next couple of months. Firstly a home visit from the DDO, to meet the family and have a chat about my journey and what they think of it all.
Then on 27th November my first experience of preaching. If it is what I think it is, leading the service from the service book, it shouldn't be too daunting as it's all laid out for me, but it still doesn't stop me being nervous!
I've also been asked to be server at another church the following month, lead intercessions on Christmas Day and preach again in January - PHEW!!
How do I feel?
I'm very excited and I hope the congregation will forgive me if I fluff my lines!
Tuesday 25 October 2011
One more added to the growing number....!
.....as we proudly watched our daughter confirmed in the faith.
There's not much spectacular to report for me really, I'm busily plodding on with my college and JiF courses, although frustratingly, I've not been able to devote as much time as I would like to my work lately. Namely, half term and family matters taking my up my study time, but back on track this week with the girls back at school etc and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth back into my work.
What I AM excited about is that on Sunday 23rd October 2011 our eldest daughter Molly was confirmed in our faith by the captivating Bishop Of Leicester, Tim Stevens.
She was one of 15 candidates that lovely evening at St John the Baptist church in Whitwick, she looked gorgeous in her new dress and her smile could have lit the church up on its own, it was that huge! It was an extremely upbeat, lively and happy service, I sang my heart out (although I'm a terrible singer) and the whole family, members of our church family and even her teacher was there to support her.
Now Molly has always been my little sidekick when it comes to attending church. Even if my husband and other daughter don't feel like coming that day (they very rarely DO miss a service however) then I know I can rely on her to join me. She never needs to be coerced into coming along, she's always a willing partner!
The thing with Molly is that she feels exactly the same way that I do when I go to church, she once described the feeling as going from an empty stomach to a full one, as if going to church and being with God and worshipping Jesus Christ satiates her appetite. What a great way to describe this feeling! I 'get' that completely. She has been almost ready for quite some time for confirmation, but myself and my husband and John, our vicar wanted to make sure she was 100% ready to make her own promises and to understand completely the significance of confirmation.
So with a tear in my eye, I proudly watched as my first born took on for herself the Baptism promises made on her behalf as a baby by her Godparents. She made a promise before God, the bishop and the whole congregation that she would continue her life in Christ until the end of her days. I could barely see through my tears as she knelt in front of the bishop and he laid hands on her head, asking God to confirm her as one of His own.
She took her first Communion bread and wine and at the end of the service made her way over to us, beaming from ear to ear. It took her a long time to come down to Earth and get to sleep I tell you!
A day such as that will be very hard indeed to beat........
There's not much spectacular to report for me really, I'm busily plodding on with my college and JiF courses, although frustratingly, I've not been able to devote as much time as I would like to my work lately. Namely, half term and family matters taking my up my study time, but back on track this week with the girls back at school etc and I'm looking forward to getting my teeth back into my work.
What I AM excited about is that on Sunday 23rd October 2011 our eldest daughter Molly was confirmed in our faith by the captivating Bishop Of Leicester, Tim Stevens.
She was one of 15 candidates that lovely evening at St John the Baptist church in Whitwick, she looked gorgeous in her new dress and her smile could have lit the church up on its own, it was that huge! It was an extremely upbeat, lively and happy service, I sang my heart out (although I'm a terrible singer) and the whole family, members of our church family and even her teacher was there to support her.
Now Molly has always been my little sidekick when it comes to attending church. Even if my husband and other daughter don't feel like coming that day (they very rarely DO miss a service however) then I know I can rely on her to join me. She never needs to be coerced into coming along, she's always a willing partner!
The thing with Molly is that she feels exactly the same way that I do when I go to church, she once described the feeling as going from an empty stomach to a full one, as if going to church and being with God and worshipping Jesus Christ satiates her appetite. What a great way to describe this feeling! I 'get' that completely. She has been almost ready for quite some time for confirmation, but myself and my husband and John, our vicar wanted to make sure she was 100% ready to make her own promises and to understand completely the significance of confirmation.
So with a tear in my eye, I proudly watched as my first born took on for herself the Baptism promises made on her behalf as a baby by her Godparents. She made a promise before God, the bishop and the whole congregation that she would continue her life in Christ until the end of her days. I could barely see through my tears as she knelt in front of the bishop and he laid hands on her head, asking God to confirm her as one of His own.
She took her first Communion bread and wine and at the end of the service made her way over to us, beaming from ear to ear. It took her a long time to come down to Earth and get to sleep I tell you!
A day such as that will be very hard indeed to beat........
Thursday 29 September 2011
I'm thinking positively....
....but I daren't breathe all the way out just yet.
Meeting number 3 with the DDO yesterday. This time my incumbent John came with me.
I was kind of wondering why he had been asked to attend, curiosity killed the cat and all that, but it was soon made clear.
The DDO told me she was very pleased with the amount of work I have been doing, and pleased with my motivation and willingness to take on the tasks I have been set.
I must just say at this point that I'm not doing all this work because I feel I have to, I'm doing it all because I want to, and I'm very happy to. But I guess you already knew that!
I am enjoying my college course, 'Church & Ministry' from St John's in Nottingham which I am working hard on and yesterday I started my JiF (Journey in Faith) course over at St Martins House in Leicester, next door to the Cathedral. This is a year long course which is designed to give me the good solid theological backgrounding I'll need as I go about preparing for my BAP which will probably be around this time next year.
In the new year, I will be put on placement in a local church in order to gain ministerial experience, and I'm looking forward to this, you know, getting my teeth into preaching and ministry. I am also going to be participating more in services in my own church.
In the meantime I have to find a Spiritual Advisor and arrange to meet with them. These advisors are specially trained to meet with and talk to ordination candidates to help guide them through the process of discernment and beyond and to listen to and advise them in their ministry. It's a bit like going to see a shrink; it's all confidential, and what is discussed never leaves the room but I am told that this whole ordination journey can be very taxing on the spirit and the mind and that these advisors are especially trained to help with this. You have to 'click' with your advisor though because they'll be your spiritual mother, father and teacher for years to come, the relationship has to be just right.
Now, to explain how I feel about all this, I hope you can understand:
I feel like I have made huge steps forward from the day I realised I was being called by God, I was a crawling baby. I now feel like a toddler. Up and walking on my feet but still a bit wobbly. Over the next year or so, I'll become stronger, more knowledgeable, understand my faith and my church more and grow theologically.
With this comes confidence. Not total confidence, but the more I meet with people whose job it is to know these things and to hear them telling me that I already meet alot of parts of the 9 criteria for selection to training, but that in some areas I need to develop more, I am filled with hope.
I had a great meeting with the DDO yesterday. John was asked to voice his feelings about whether he sees me as a suitable candidate, and he was extremely positive and encouraging when he confirmed that yes, he's very pleased with me and my progress and he thinks I would be a good example of a suitable candidate for ordination training.
I now feel like the door on my own self doubt is starting to close and the door in front of me, the door to the BAP and beyond is open and I am being invited to walk through. I have doubted myself for so long, I'm unwilling to simply say, "Oh, OK then, you reckon I'm getting there and am suitable material so I must be going to pass my BAP and get through" but I am becoming more and more confident that I will get there and go through to ordination.
It's looking good from here. I'm unbelievably excited to think that I might just make it after all.
Meeting number 3 with the DDO yesterday. This time my incumbent John came with me.
I was kind of wondering why he had been asked to attend, curiosity killed the cat and all that, but it was soon made clear.
The DDO told me she was very pleased with the amount of work I have been doing, and pleased with my motivation and willingness to take on the tasks I have been set.
I must just say at this point that I'm not doing all this work because I feel I have to, I'm doing it all because I want to, and I'm very happy to. But I guess you already knew that!
I am enjoying my college course, 'Church & Ministry' from St John's in Nottingham which I am working hard on and yesterday I started my JiF (Journey in Faith) course over at St Martins House in Leicester, next door to the Cathedral. This is a year long course which is designed to give me the good solid theological backgrounding I'll need as I go about preparing for my BAP which will probably be around this time next year.
In the new year, I will be put on placement in a local church in order to gain ministerial experience, and I'm looking forward to this, you know, getting my teeth into preaching and ministry. I am also going to be participating more in services in my own church.
In the meantime I have to find a Spiritual Advisor and arrange to meet with them. These advisors are specially trained to meet with and talk to ordination candidates to help guide them through the process of discernment and beyond and to listen to and advise them in their ministry. It's a bit like going to see a shrink; it's all confidential, and what is discussed never leaves the room but I am told that this whole ordination journey can be very taxing on the spirit and the mind and that these advisors are especially trained to help with this. You have to 'click' with your advisor though because they'll be your spiritual mother, father and teacher for years to come, the relationship has to be just right.
Now, to explain how I feel about all this, I hope you can understand:
I feel like I have made huge steps forward from the day I realised I was being called by God, I was a crawling baby. I now feel like a toddler. Up and walking on my feet but still a bit wobbly. Over the next year or so, I'll become stronger, more knowledgeable, understand my faith and my church more and grow theologically.
With this comes confidence. Not total confidence, but the more I meet with people whose job it is to know these things and to hear them telling me that I already meet alot of parts of the 9 criteria for selection to training, but that in some areas I need to develop more, I am filled with hope.
I had a great meeting with the DDO yesterday. John was asked to voice his feelings about whether he sees me as a suitable candidate, and he was extremely positive and encouraging when he confirmed that yes, he's very pleased with me and my progress and he thinks I would be a good example of a suitable candidate for ordination training.
I now feel like the door on my own self doubt is starting to close and the door in front of me, the door to the BAP and beyond is open and I am being invited to walk through. I have doubted myself for so long, I'm unwilling to simply say, "Oh, OK then, you reckon I'm getting there and am suitable material so I must be going to pass my BAP and get through" but I am becoming more and more confident that I will get there and go through to ordination.
It's looking good from here. I'm unbelievably excited to think that I might just make it after all.
Thursday 15 September 2011
Things are changing....
....or more to the point I am changing.
Subtle little changes that I suppose only I can notice.
Things like being so much more tolerant of life's little challenges, bad tempered children, traffic jams, broken dishes, mirrors, bad hair days etc. They are what they are, there's no point in letting these things make you angry, you can't change them, so just relax, be calm and you'll get through it.
I'm definitely calmer nowadays, more accepting and less fraught about things I cannot change.
Is this God's influence? I like to think it is - God helping me towards being the patient and accepting person I would expect to be in the role of priest.
Of course, we all know that priests are human before they are anything else and that they should be allowed to have a place and a time where they can be themselves, but have you ever seen a priest who is constantly angry, sullen and bad tempered? If you have it would be a very rare thing indeed.
So with God's gentle influence on my life I continue on my journey, learning every day, taking on new and essential habits (like my now regular prayer life), I talk to God more, and listen more too. I'm growing in confidence (as my friend Sally told me at dinner last night- so maybe the changes in me are more outwardly visible than I thought)
And no, He hasn't spoken back to me, not using audible words anyway. But He influences me in a very quiet but definite way. It's all part of His plan for me you see. If it wasn't I wouldn't be on this journey and you wouldn't be reading this.
I'm still me though. The one I've always been.....
Subtle little changes that I suppose only I can notice.
Things like being so much more tolerant of life's little challenges, bad tempered children, traffic jams, broken dishes, mirrors, bad hair days etc. They are what they are, there's no point in letting these things make you angry, you can't change them, so just relax, be calm and you'll get through it.
I'm definitely calmer nowadays, more accepting and less fraught about things I cannot change.
Is this God's influence? I like to think it is - God helping me towards being the patient and accepting person I would expect to be in the role of priest.
Of course, we all know that priests are human before they are anything else and that they should be allowed to have a place and a time where they can be themselves, but have you ever seen a priest who is constantly angry, sullen and bad tempered? If you have it would be a very rare thing indeed.
So with God's gentle influence on my life I continue on my journey, learning every day, taking on new and essential habits (like my now regular prayer life), I talk to God more, and listen more too. I'm growing in confidence (as my friend Sally told me at dinner last night- so maybe the changes in me are more outwardly visible than I thought)
And no, He hasn't spoken back to me, not using audible words anyway. But He influences me in a very quiet but definite way. It's all part of His plan for me you see. If it wasn't I wouldn't be on this journey and you wouldn't be reading this.
I'm still me though. The one I've always been.....
Tuesday 6 September 2011
It's all hotting up now!
It's time to make time and spend time.
At my second meeting with Sue, the DDO, she told me that it is very important to begin to develop a dedicated prayer life as I progress on this journey of exploration. By this she means that I should now begin the Daily Office of prayer.
To explain briefly, the Daily Office is time which is devoted to God and, at the relevant time of day to give thanks and praise for the life we lead, and to pray for and remember those who suffer, the world and those in authority, and along with readings from scripture, this act focuses oneself to tune into God and His being in our lives .
The Common Worship Daily Prayer book is the one mostly used and it gives the order of service for the 4 offices; Morning Prayer, Prayer during the day, Evening Prayer and Night Prayer. You can take on all 4 offices if you wish or you can choose any of the offices, but the minimum is at least Morning and Evening Prayer.
So, I decided to begin with Morning Prayer, since I'm new to all of this praying at home business. I laid all my readings out last night, bookmarked the morning Prayer for Tuesday section and the scripture readings. I flew out of bed and showered and washed my hair earlier than usual so I could dedicate the time properly and not rush through it.
I lit a candle and began. All in all it took about 20 minutes and I really enjoyed it, it was nice to be able to concentrate on something so important without interruption, and to focus all my attention to the task.
It made me realise I will definitely need to set this time aside every single day, so the family are under orders to either join in or leave me in peace during this time so I can concentrate (they chose to leave me to it funnily enough!)
______________
Last week I enrolled on the JiF (Journey in Faith) course starting at the end of this month. It's a 30 week course on Wednesday evenings at Leicester.
In 3 terms of about 10 weeks a term, the course breaks down thus:
Term 1 Exploring Faith
Sessions include an opportunity to consider our own faith journeys and an introduction to Theological Reflection.
Term 2 God’s Call and Our Response
Sessions include an introduction to the Old Testament
Term 3 Development of the Church
Sessions include an introduction to the New Testament and Church Doctrine - what we say we believe.
It will help me greatly to understand more of the church and my own faith, I'm rather looking forward to starting!
____________
Next up is a meeting between Sue, my vicar John (or 'Incumbent' as is the preferred title) and me on 28th September, to discuss further my current exploration. I'm very much looking forward to that as the more of these meetings I have, the more strongly I feel that there is now some real 'meat' to my feeling of calling, that it's taking shape and becoming more and more an integral part of my life.
Sue also asked me if I have considered going on a retreat. That is, taking time out of the rat race (usually 3 or 5 days), and taking myself and my books, my bible and thoughts and all of my hopes and prayers to Launde Abbey in Leicester, to spend the time focusing on God's call to me, a time which is spent mostly in silence, prayer and reflection. I would really love to do this, as I believe it would be immensely helpful for me to just be there, and listen - really LISTEN to God, and what He is asking me to do with no distractions; no telephone ringing, no text messages, no television, no doorbell. I also believe my spirit will feel refreshed by this time away and that I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.
I mentioned it to Mark and asked if he thought it might be possible for me to go, as I thought it a little selfish to do this, you know, put all the familial responsibility on him for 3 days while I go off on a jolly, but he assured me he doesn't see it that way and that it's important for me to be able to do this. He's great isn't he? What a lucky woman I am to have such a lovely, kind and understanding husband who supports me so selflessly.
Retreats are for anyone, 'churchy' or not, to be able to go and spend quiet time with themselves in a peaceful and tranquil setting, think of it as a facial for the spirit. Joining in is optional and you can take part in as much or as little as you want to, in fact if you want to just sit in the gardens and take in the beauty of nature for the whole time, fine. Joining in with the services and prayer time is also optional as the focus is in the word 'retreat'. A step back from the rigours of everyday life to get back in touch with yourself and your inner self. There is also the option of attending a 'Quiet Day', if you feel you can't spare the time for a full retreat.
There are of course numerous retreat centres around the country, but mine would be Launde Abbey. If you're interested to read all about making a retreat, click on the following link: http://www.launde.org.uk/whats.htm
At my second meeting with Sue, the DDO, she told me that it is very important to begin to develop a dedicated prayer life as I progress on this journey of exploration. By this she means that I should now begin the Daily Office of prayer.
To explain briefly, the Daily Office is time which is devoted to God and, at the relevant time of day to give thanks and praise for the life we lead, and to pray for and remember those who suffer, the world and those in authority, and along with readings from scripture, this act focuses oneself to tune into God and His being in our lives .
The Common Worship Daily Prayer book is the one mostly used and it gives the order of service for the 4 offices; Morning Prayer, Prayer during the day, Evening Prayer and Night Prayer. You can take on all 4 offices if you wish or you can choose any of the offices, but the minimum is at least Morning and Evening Prayer.
So, I decided to begin with Morning Prayer, since I'm new to all of this praying at home business. I laid all my readings out last night, bookmarked the morning Prayer for Tuesday section and the scripture readings. I flew out of bed and showered and washed my hair earlier than usual so I could dedicate the time properly and not rush through it.
I lit a candle and began. All in all it took about 20 minutes and I really enjoyed it, it was nice to be able to concentrate on something so important without interruption, and to focus all my attention to the task.
It made me realise I will definitely need to set this time aside every single day, so the family are under orders to either join in or leave me in peace during this time so I can concentrate (they chose to leave me to it funnily enough!)
______________
Last week I enrolled on the JiF (Journey in Faith) course starting at the end of this month. It's a 30 week course on Wednesday evenings at Leicester.
In 3 terms of about 10 weeks a term, the course breaks down thus:
Term 1 Exploring Faith
Sessions include an opportunity to consider our own faith journeys and an introduction to Theological Reflection.
Term 2 God’s Call and Our Response
Sessions include an introduction to the Old Testament
Term 3 Development of the Church
Sessions include an introduction to the New Testament and Church Doctrine - what we say we believe.
It will help me greatly to understand more of the church and my own faith, I'm rather looking forward to starting!
____________
Next up is a meeting between Sue, my vicar John (or 'Incumbent' as is the preferred title) and me on 28th September, to discuss further my current exploration. I'm very much looking forward to that as the more of these meetings I have, the more strongly I feel that there is now some real 'meat' to my feeling of calling, that it's taking shape and becoming more and more an integral part of my life.
Sue also asked me if I have considered going on a retreat. That is, taking time out of the rat race (usually 3 or 5 days), and taking myself and my books, my bible and thoughts and all of my hopes and prayers to Launde Abbey in Leicester, to spend the time focusing on God's call to me, a time which is spent mostly in silence, prayer and reflection. I would really love to do this, as I believe it would be immensely helpful for me to just be there, and listen - really LISTEN to God, and what He is asking me to do with no distractions; no telephone ringing, no text messages, no television, no doorbell. I also believe my spirit will feel refreshed by this time away and that I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.
I mentioned it to Mark and asked if he thought it might be possible for me to go, as I thought it a little selfish to do this, you know, put all the familial responsibility on him for 3 days while I go off on a jolly, but he assured me he doesn't see it that way and that it's important for me to be able to do this. He's great isn't he? What a lucky woman I am to have such a lovely, kind and understanding husband who supports me so selflessly.
Retreats are for anyone, 'churchy' or not, to be able to go and spend quiet time with themselves in a peaceful and tranquil setting, think of it as a facial for the spirit. Joining in is optional and you can take part in as much or as little as you want to, in fact if you want to just sit in the gardens and take in the beauty of nature for the whole time, fine. Joining in with the services and prayer time is also optional as the focus is in the word 'retreat'. A step back from the rigours of everyday life to get back in touch with yourself and your inner self. There is also the option of attending a 'Quiet Day', if you feel you can't spare the time for a full retreat.
There are of course numerous retreat centres around the country, but mine would be Launde Abbey. If you're interested to read all about making a retreat, click on the following link: http://www.launde.org.uk/whats.htm
Thursday 18 August 2011
The 2nd meeting with the DDO.....
....not such a bag of nerves this time.
Since my last post, I've been a very busy woman.
I've read John Pritchard's book and reviewed it. I've made inroads into my personal portfolio, building each criteria as I go along. I've interviewed clergy. I've begun my college course and I'm ready for my first assignment.
Someone wise once said, "It's only work if you're not enjoying it". They're completely right of course, if you don't enjoy going to work or doing work then it IS work. If you enjoy what you're doing it's so much easier.
And I HAVE really enjoyed this part of my journey; the beginning, I'd call it. The stepping ON the path. So now I'm walking. Walking on the path - baby steps but hey, I'm walking!
Now that all the hype has died down amongst my family and friends, I'm being asked how I'm doing, where I'm at and what's next. They're genuinely interested and I'm very thankful that they are.
So here's how I'm doing, here's where I'm at and here's what comes next.
I'm doing grand. My feeling of calling is slowly becoming clearer. Not crystal clear yet and I don't expect it to be, but clearer. I am becoming more and more sure that my skills as a communicator, carer and people person are behind this feeling of calling.
I was reluctant at first to say out loud that I was feeling called to ministry, especially as I wasn't really sure where my enquiries would take me, but now as I progress I am less reluctant to say this. As I speak to people, as they confirm the extent to which they see this calling in me and as I read (and read and read!) books all about priestly life and priestly qualities, it becomes a little more clear that there's every chance that this is the direction in which I'm headed. I couldn't be happier about that......
What comes next is more of the same for a while, although things ARE progressing. Now I have to concentrate on my college course, Mission and Ministry in the local church. I sat down to it recently and started working my way through the first section of the module. Before I knew it, 6 hours had passed, I had made my way to the end of the section and I was ready for my first assignment. I also enrolled today on the Journey in Faith or JiF course, starting in September. The course is over 30 weeks and will help me greatly towards finding the theological language I need and will give me ideal grounding in fundamental theological issues, thoughts and ideas.
I had my second meeting with Sue, the DDO today and it went well. I brought all my work to date with me, my college course folder and all the books I'm currently required to read as part of the course. She was a little surprised at how much work I had actually done, but as I said earlier, I'm enjoying it.
It's opening something up within me, helping me to realise my own faith, how to explain my faith, I'm understanding more of the church itself, and it's also helping me come to terms with the fact that since the day I said, "Yes" to God's call, my life and that of my family will never be the same again.
This poem is taken from the book I'm currently reading, "Being a priest today" by Cocksworth & Brown. It's immensely comforting because I am someone who has left security behind and said, "Yes".
Go at the call of God
the call to follow on,
to leave security behind
and go where Christ has gone.
Go in the name of God,
the name of Christ you bear;
take up the cross, its victims love
with all the world to share.
Go in the love of God,
explore its depth and height.
Held fast by love that cares, that heals,
in love walk in the light.
Go in the strength of God,
in weakness prove God true.
The strength that dares to love and serve
God will pour out on you.
Go with the saints of God,
our common life upbuild,
that daily as we walk God's way
we may with love be filled.
O God, to you we come
your love alone to know,
your name to own, your strength to prove,
and at your call to go.
Since my last post, I've been a very busy woman.
I've read John Pritchard's book and reviewed it. I've made inroads into my personal portfolio, building each criteria as I go along. I've interviewed clergy. I've begun my college course and I'm ready for my first assignment.
Someone wise once said, "It's only work if you're not enjoying it". They're completely right of course, if you don't enjoy going to work or doing work then it IS work. If you enjoy what you're doing it's so much easier.
And I HAVE really enjoyed this part of my journey; the beginning, I'd call it. The stepping ON the path. So now I'm walking. Walking on the path - baby steps but hey, I'm walking!
Now that all the hype has died down amongst my family and friends, I'm being asked how I'm doing, where I'm at and what's next. They're genuinely interested and I'm very thankful that they are.
So here's how I'm doing, here's where I'm at and here's what comes next.
I'm doing grand. My feeling of calling is slowly becoming clearer. Not crystal clear yet and I don't expect it to be, but clearer. I am becoming more and more sure that my skills as a communicator, carer and people person are behind this feeling of calling.
I was reluctant at first to say out loud that I was feeling called to ministry, especially as I wasn't really sure where my enquiries would take me, but now as I progress I am less reluctant to say this. As I speak to people, as they confirm the extent to which they see this calling in me and as I read (and read and read!) books all about priestly life and priestly qualities, it becomes a little more clear that there's every chance that this is the direction in which I'm headed. I couldn't be happier about that......
What comes next is more of the same for a while, although things ARE progressing. Now I have to concentrate on my college course, Mission and Ministry in the local church. I sat down to it recently and started working my way through the first section of the module. Before I knew it, 6 hours had passed, I had made my way to the end of the section and I was ready for my first assignment. I also enrolled today on the Journey in Faith or JiF course, starting in September. The course is over 30 weeks and will help me greatly towards finding the theological language I need and will give me ideal grounding in fundamental theological issues, thoughts and ideas.
I had my second meeting with Sue, the DDO today and it went well. I brought all my work to date with me, my college course folder and all the books I'm currently required to read as part of the course. She was a little surprised at how much work I had actually done, but as I said earlier, I'm enjoying it.
It's opening something up within me, helping me to realise my own faith, how to explain my faith, I'm understanding more of the church itself, and it's also helping me come to terms with the fact that since the day I said, "Yes" to God's call, my life and that of my family will never be the same again.
This poem is taken from the book I'm currently reading, "Being a priest today" by Cocksworth & Brown. It's immensely comforting because I am someone who has left security behind and said, "Yes".
Go at the call of God
the call to follow on,
to leave security behind
and go where Christ has gone.
Go in the name of God,
the name of Christ you bear;
take up the cross, its victims love
with all the world to share.
Go in the love of God,
explore its depth and height.
Held fast by love that cares, that heals,
in love walk in the light.
Go in the strength of God,
in weakness prove God true.
The strength that dares to love and serve
God will pour out on you.
Go with the saints of God,
our common life upbuild,
that daily as we walk God's way
we may with love be filled.
O God, to you we come
your love alone to know,
your name to own, your strength to prove,
and at your call to go.
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Brain FRAZZLE!
......and getting back into the swing of learning.
So now that I've got my college module 'Mission and Ministry in the local church' to get started on, a book by the very brilliant John Pritchard (Bishop of Oxford) 'The life and work of a Priest' to read, a personal portfolio to put together and interviews to conduct with some of the members of the clergy team, I find my brain a bit over full!
No, I should really say my brain is now being WORKED! And worked it definitely is, I need to allocate myself some regular quiet time to focus on beginning my module. I've already got my interview questions sorted, I have arranged to speak to those I'm going to grill about THEIR ministry, and I'm halfway through John Pritchard's book.
This man is a really great writer, he writes in such a way that you identify straight away with what he's trying to say and I really 'get' his book, the life and work of a priest is really becoming more and more clear, and it's definitely an unpredictable and extremely busy life.
He lays it right down on the table so you're in no doubt whatsoever of what is expected of you; what qualities you should have, the multitude of roles you will have or hats you have to wear being a priest. I'm loving what I'm reading and already my book is filled with little pink Post-it strips highlighting parts that I really identify with on a personal level.
There are still days when I doubt myself and my future on this journey although at times when I read other peoples stories about their vocation and read that it was a lifelong dream for them to become a priest and they managed to get there, I actually think there's hope for me. I am aware that now is the time for getting real, getting down to the nitty gritty of exploring my vocation, and this doesn't involve a dreamy scenario where I say how I feel and I'm suddenly welcomed with open arms and have a dog collar shoved round my neck just because I say this is what I want to do (not that I have had a dreamy scenario, I'm just saying)
I have to PROVE myself. But I also have to learn. I have alot to learn, I know this. I wasn't blessed with going to church on Sundays and learning scripture by heart from a young age so that my exploration of my vocation is a walk in the park, in fact it's quite the opposite.
I think this is also why I am going to have to work so much harder to prove myself.
All I know is that I have the gift of communication, I am able to meet people on their wavelength, whatever that may be - and really CONNECT with them.
Take the story of the drunk drug addict in the chemist as an example if you like - I was sitting in the chemists waiting for a presciption and a drunk drug addict comes in and sits down. An old gentleman walks in, and we both stand up to offer him our seats. We then get talking about this sort of thing and before you know it he's telling me about his addiction, that he's drunk because he just came out of court after being sentenced for racial assault, then he begins to share jokes on his mobile phone with me. When it was time to go he stood up, said it had been really nice talking to me and I told him to take care of himself when we said goodbye.
How many people would have maybe moved away when he staggered in? He didn't seem to me to be a bad person inside, just a person who had made bad life choices. I actually felt quite honoured that he shared his story with me.
I'm not being conceited when I say this because I'm not like that, but part of all this is knowing yourself, truly and deeply inside, your skills, your shortcomings, your hopes, your fears and your desires. I know I have the skill of communication and that I'm good at it.
I also have a deep love for Jesus Christ, for God and for the church.
And the reason I think I'm being called to ministry is so that I can use these skills to bring God to people, and people to God.
I passed my friend Becky's house by the other day, and stopped to say Hi. She wasn't there but her husband was and we spent a few minutes chatting. He mentioned that when Becky had first heard about my exploring my vocation she asked him to guess who, out of all her mates wanted to become a vicar and he said straight away - Elaine.
I was pretty amazed at this and asked him if it really was that obvious.
He said, "No, actually it was UNOBVIOUS".
What do you make of that?
So now that I've got my college module 'Mission and Ministry in the local church' to get started on, a book by the very brilliant John Pritchard (Bishop of Oxford) 'The life and work of a Priest' to read, a personal portfolio to put together and interviews to conduct with some of the members of the clergy team, I find my brain a bit over full!
No, I should really say my brain is now being WORKED! And worked it definitely is, I need to allocate myself some regular quiet time to focus on beginning my module. I've already got my interview questions sorted, I have arranged to speak to those I'm going to grill about THEIR ministry, and I'm halfway through John Pritchard's book.
This man is a really great writer, he writes in such a way that you identify straight away with what he's trying to say and I really 'get' his book, the life and work of a priest is really becoming more and more clear, and it's definitely an unpredictable and extremely busy life.
He lays it right down on the table so you're in no doubt whatsoever of what is expected of you; what qualities you should have, the multitude of roles you will have or hats you have to wear being a priest. I'm loving what I'm reading and already my book is filled with little pink Post-it strips highlighting parts that I really identify with on a personal level.
There are still days when I doubt myself and my future on this journey although at times when I read other peoples stories about their vocation and read that it was a lifelong dream for them to become a priest and they managed to get there, I actually think there's hope for me. I am aware that now is the time for getting real, getting down to the nitty gritty of exploring my vocation, and this doesn't involve a dreamy scenario where I say how I feel and I'm suddenly welcomed with open arms and have a dog collar shoved round my neck just because I say this is what I want to do (not that I have had a dreamy scenario, I'm just saying)
I have to PROVE myself. But I also have to learn. I have alot to learn, I know this. I wasn't blessed with going to church on Sundays and learning scripture by heart from a young age so that my exploration of my vocation is a walk in the park, in fact it's quite the opposite.
I think this is also why I am going to have to work so much harder to prove myself.
All I know is that I have the gift of communication, I am able to meet people on their wavelength, whatever that may be - and really CONNECT with them.
Take the story of the drunk drug addict in the chemist as an example if you like - I was sitting in the chemists waiting for a presciption and a drunk drug addict comes in and sits down. An old gentleman walks in, and we both stand up to offer him our seats. We then get talking about this sort of thing and before you know it he's telling me about his addiction, that he's drunk because he just came out of court after being sentenced for racial assault, then he begins to share jokes on his mobile phone with me. When it was time to go he stood up, said it had been really nice talking to me and I told him to take care of himself when we said goodbye.
How many people would have maybe moved away when he staggered in? He didn't seem to me to be a bad person inside, just a person who had made bad life choices. I actually felt quite honoured that he shared his story with me.
I'm not being conceited when I say this because I'm not like that, but part of all this is knowing yourself, truly and deeply inside, your skills, your shortcomings, your hopes, your fears and your desires. I know I have the skill of communication and that I'm good at it.
I also have a deep love for Jesus Christ, for God and for the church.
And the reason I think I'm being called to ministry is so that I can use these skills to bring God to people, and people to God.
I passed my friend Becky's house by the other day, and stopped to say Hi. She wasn't there but her husband was and we spent a few minutes chatting. He mentioned that when Becky had first heard about my exploring my vocation she asked him to guess who, out of all her mates wanted to become a vicar and he said straight away - Elaine.
I was pretty amazed at this and asked him if it really was that obvious.
He said, "No, actually it was UNOBVIOUS".
What do you make of that?
Friday 24 June 2011
What you see is what you get...
........and now I'm going to get busy!
So I nervously approached the DDO's house for our first meeting, and rang the doorbell.
"Ah yes I DO recognise you now" Sue said the second she opened the door, "John told me I would".
She remembered me from the Vocations day I recently attended, a good start!
We discussed many things; my journey thus far, how I came to this point in my life, how I feel about it all, my family life, baptism, marriage details etc....
Then she asked me if I had any questions.
The only question I asked was whether she has first impressions of potential candidates when she meets them for the first time. "Yes, of course, I sometimes meet people and I have a feeling of 'Hmmmm....no....' but you don't need to worry Elaine, I'm not feeling that with you. You seem the type of person who's pretty affable and friendly, easy to get on with and very articulate, I feel that with you there's nothing hidden, that what you see is what you get, am I right?"
I felt like doing a lap of her lounge, but demurely sipped my coffee instead, nodding my understanding.
She quickly realised I was really very much a beginner in all this, I'm not frightened to say this either, I know I've got a long way to go and alot to learn, so we discussed that I'll probably meet her regularly for a year or two whilst I gain the background, experience and knowledge I'll need if I make it to a BAP.
So, I'm about to become the newest student at St John's college, Nottingham , as I take on some modules of the CCS (Certificate in Christian Studies) I never thought I'd be a card carrying student again after 19 years!
I've also got some reading to be getting on with (thank you Amazon!) and a portfolio to build covering the 9 criteria that the BAP will test me on: http://callwaiting.org.uk/be-sure.aspx if you're interested to know what they are, and believe me, it's not as simple as you might think to fulfil these!
I also need to begin interviewing members of the clergy team for Breedon, to gain some insight into THEIR idea of ministry, to add to my portfolio and build up a picture of what life as a priest REALLY involves and how and where and IF I fit into all of this.
So I left Sue's house with a little spring in my step but not TOO big a spring because I know that even though I might do all of this preparation; college courses etc, reading and interviewing and over the next 2 years or so, and that I'll be as ready as I think I can be for a BAP if I make it that far........
.........I could still be turned down.
So I nervously approached the DDO's house for our first meeting, and rang the doorbell.
"Ah yes I DO recognise you now" Sue said the second she opened the door, "John told me I would".
She remembered me from the Vocations day I recently attended, a good start!
We discussed many things; my journey thus far, how I came to this point in my life, how I feel about it all, my family life, baptism, marriage details etc....
Then she asked me if I had any questions.
The only question I asked was whether she has first impressions of potential candidates when she meets them for the first time. "Yes, of course, I sometimes meet people and I have a feeling of 'Hmmmm....no....' but you don't need to worry Elaine, I'm not feeling that with you. You seem the type of person who's pretty affable and friendly, easy to get on with and very articulate, I feel that with you there's nothing hidden, that what you see is what you get, am I right?"
I felt like doing a lap of her lounge, but demurely sipped my coffee instead, nodding my understanding.
She quickly realised I was really very much a beginner in all this, I'm not frightened to say this either, I know I've got a long way to go and alot to learn, so we discussed that I'll probably meet her regularly for a year or two whilst I gain the background, experience and knowledge I'll need if I make it to a BAP.
So, I'm about to become the newest student at St John's college, Nottingham , as I take on some modules of the CCS (Certificate in Christian Studies) I never thought I'd be a card carrying student again after 19 years!
I've also got some reading to be getting on with (thank you Amazon!) and a portfolio to build covering the 9 criteria that the BAP will test me on: http://callwaiting.org.uk/be-sure.aspx if you're interested to know what they are, and believe me, it's not as simple as you might think to fulfil these!
I also need to begin interviewing members of the clergy team for Breedon, to gain some insight into THEIR idea of ministry, to add to my portfolio and build up a picture of what life as a priest REALLY involves and how and where and IF I fit into all of this.
So I left Sue's house with a little spring in my step but not TOO big a spring because I know that even though I might do all of this preparation; college courses etc, reading and interviewing and over the next 2 years or so, and that I'll be as ready as I think I can be for a BAP if I make it that far........
.........I could still be turned down.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Where's my breakfast?
.....and I've never been so nervous in my life.
So Mark decided in his wisdom on Saturday night that when I did my bible reading on Sunday that instead of the response, "Thanks be to God", he was going to say, "Where's my breakfast?"
I wonder if my "You'll be in MAJOR trouble if you do" glance just before I left the pew to head to the front of the church made him change his mind?
It was a short but powerful reading, and particularly apt for Trinity Sunday and Father's Day 2 Corinthians 13 - v. 11 - end.
This'll be a short post today I reckon as I don't have much to report really except that I'm busy preparing myself for Thursday - the big meet with the DDO.
I think the reason why I'm so frightened is because this is where is gets suddenly VERY real.
I know it was a big step approaching John and telling him how I felt, and everything that has happened and everything that I've done since then has been in preparation for all of this, but I can't help feeling that meeting with Sue on Thursday is going to 'put me firmly on the map' of exploring my vocation......
.......and that it'll all come crashing to a halt.
So Mark decided in his wisdom on Saturday night that when I did my bible reading on Sunday that instead of the response, "Thanks be to God", he was going to say, "Where's my breakfast?"
I wonder if my "You'll be in MAJOR trouble if you do" glance just before I left the pew to head to the front of the church made him change his mind?
It was a short but powerful reading, and particularly apt for Trinity Sunday and Father's Day 2 Corinthians 13 - v. 11 - end.
This'll be a short post today I reckon as I don't have much to report really except that I'm busy preparing myself for Thursday - the big meet with the DDO.
I think the reason why I'm so frightened is because this is where is gets suddenly VERY real.
I know it was a big step approaching John and telling him how I felt, and everything that has happened and everything that I've done since then has been in preparation for all of this, but I can't help feeling that meeting with Sue on Thursday is going to 'put me firmly on the map' of exploring my vocation......
.......and that it'll all come crashing to a halt.
Monday 13 June 2011
Power at last!
....and an agonising further 3 days to wait to meet the DDO.
So my next door neighbour called round the other day asking me if I could countersign his Passport form.
"Sorry" I said, "I'm not qualified to!"
But I had a look through the list of people who could though, just in case any of the other neighbours could help.
Then I saw it.
'Holders of Office or persons with standing in the community' - I reckoned this meant that I COULD countersign after all!
I'll explain how...
Seeing as I'm on this journey of exploration and all that (you know what I mean so I won't bore you again) my vicar John suggested it would be good for me to be elected to Breedon PCC (Parochial Church Council) at the next AGM.
So I nervously attended the AGM and was duly elected into office (no 'nays' I'm pleased to say but a resounding round of 'ayes') and I thus became the latest Parochial Church Councillor of Breedon church. You can Google what it means if you like but I find my role fascinating and it's a real honour and privilege to be a cog in the wheel that runs my lovely church.
So I happily (and rather proudly if I do say so myself) filled out the forms in my new and official capacity of a 'Holder of Office or person with Standing in the Community'.
But then after checking the Passport Office website, I found that just about ANYBODY can countersign a form nowadays, even Mark, as he's a Company Director....my dentist, the lady who runs the corner shop, the bloke who runs the pub over the road.......
.......and his dog too probably.
An email arrived from the DDO the other day asking if we could reschedule our meeting as she had a clash of business that day. Of course I replied that it would be no problem at all, and that I looked forward to meeting her on 23rd.
AARRGGHH! 3 more days of agony. I should see it as an opportunity to prepare myself even further. I see it as 3 further days of "What if?", "There's no way".
I'll be OK, I'll take a deep breath and go for it. Wish me luck!
So my next door neighbour called round the other day asking me if I could countersign his Passport form.
"Sorry" I said, "I'm not qualified to!"
But I had a look through the list of people who could though, just in case any of the other neighbours could help.
Then I saw it.
'Holders of Office or persons with standing in the community' - I reckoned this meant that I COULD countersign after all!
I'll explain how...
Seeing as I'm on this journey of exploration and all that (you know what I mean so I won't bore you again) my vicar John suggested it would be good for me to be elected to Breedon PCC (Parochial Church Council) at the next AGM.
So I nervously attended the AGM and was duly elected into office (no 'nays' I'm pleased to say but a resounding round of 'ayes') and I thus became the latest Parochial Church Councillor of Breedon church. You can Google what it means if you like but I find my role fascinating and it's a real honour and privilege to be a cog in the wheel that runs my lovely church.
So I happily (and rather proudly if I do say so myself) filled out the forms in my new and official capacity of a 'Holder of Office or person with Standing in the Community'.
But then after checking the Passport Office website, I found that just about ANYBODY can countersign a form nowadays, even Mark, as he's a Company Director....my dentist, the lady who runs the corner shop, the bloke who runs the pub over the road.......
.......and his dog too probably.
An email arrived from the DDO the other day asking if we could reschedule our meeting as she had a clash of business that day. Of course I replied that it would be no problem at all, and that I looked forward to meeting her on 23rd.
AARRGGHH! 3 more days of agony. I should see it as an opportunity to prepare myself even further. I see it as 3 further days of "What if?", "There's no way".
I'll be OK, I'll take a deep breath and go for it. Wish me luck!
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Sometimes reading is bad for you....
....or bad for your resolve anyway!
So after further filling Amazon's coffers with my hard earned cash, I bought a book by a chap called Francis Dewar, 'Called or Collared?'.
This book is designed for those exploring their vocation, like me, to take an alternative approach to finding out what my calling might (or might not) mean.
By the first 3 or 4 pages, he had frightened the living daylights out of me by suggesting that sometimes those feeling called by God to something just assume that because they ARE feeling a call, it MUST be to ministry and nowhere else within the church, that the only inevitable conclusion to what they're feeling is ordination.
Well, this set me to thinking - "Oh NO!! What if that's what I've just assumed too?" but after reading a bit further and not throwing the book down in disgust (that Mr Dewar doesn't know me at all and couldn't possibly comment) he explained things a little more, and I relaxed!
But then, it started me thinking about the whole way that this has come about, from right back to what Aunty Em told me, my attending church more regularly, what my own vicar's thoughts on my calling are, and how things have panned out in my mind aswell as in my everyday Christian life. I dissected every single second of my journey thus far, examined my feelings in close detail, and even asked myself how I would feel if I had to drop everything I was feeling, drop my hopes and desires of ever becoming ordained, drop being the Intercessor in my church, drop being on the PCC, drop this overwhelming feeling I have of just where my call is leading me. And I realised something that gave me hope, and a little glimmer of light in the darkness of that moment of wondering if Mr Dewar actually had a point and was right about me all along:
That I still feel the same way. My feelings haven't changed, but are stronger than ever.
So now I'm trying to get it right in my head the things I want to tell the DDO when I meet her, if I could rip my heart and soul out and lay them on the table for her to see how I feel, there would be no doubt for her, or for the Bishops when (if...) I get that far. But of course I can't, so words will have to suffice.
I pray to God that He will help me find those words.
So after further filling Amazon's coffers with my hard earned cash, I bought a book by a chap called Francis Dewar, 'Called or Collared?'.
This book is designed for those exploring their vocation, like me, to take an alternative approach to finding out what my calling might (or might not) mean.
By the first 3 or 4 pages, he had frightened the living daylights out of me by suggesting that sometimes those feeling called by God to something just assume that because they ARE feeling a call, it MUST be to ministry and nowhere else within the church, that the only inevitable conclusion to what they're feeling is ordination.
Well, this set me to thinking - "Oh NO!! What if that's what I've just assumed too?" but after reading a bit further and not throwing the book down in disgust (that Mr Dewar doesn't know me at all and couldn't possibly comment) he explained things a little more, and I relaxed!
But then, it started me thinking about the whole way that this has come about, from right back to what Aunty Em told me, my attending church more regularly, what my own vicar's thoughts on my calling are, and how things have panned out in my mind aswell as in my everyday Christian life. I dissected every single second of my journey thus far, examined my feelings in close detail, and even asked myself how I would feel if I had to drop everything I was feeling, drop my hopes and desires of ever becoming ordained, drop being the Intercessor in my church, drop being on the PCC, drop this overwhelming feeling I have of just where my call is leading me. And I realised something that gave me hope, and a little glimmer of light in the darkness of that moment of wondering if Mr Dewar actually had a point and was right about me all along:
That I still feel the same way. My feelings haven't changed, but are stronger than ever.
So now I'm trying to get it right in my head the things I want to tell the DDO when I meet her, if I could rip my heart and soul out and lay them on the table for her to see how I feel, there would be no doubt for her, or for the Bishops when (if...) I get that far. But of course I can't, so words will have to suffice.
I pray to God that He will help me find those words.
Thursday 26 May 2011
Meeting with the DDO and other random things.
Another round of battering the Amazon account, escaping cats and butterflies.
So I received an email from the Leicester Diocese Director of Ordinands (DDO for short, much less of a mouthful) asking me to go and visit.
The DDO is amongst other things, responsible for thoroughly testing potential Ordination trainees vocations. She will ask many deep and varied questions about me, my faith, my spirituality, my life, my family - everything, in order to gain a clear insight into my reasons and feelings of calling, what my calling means and where it will lead me.
This for me, is where it gets really scary.
Really scary because although I'm completely convinced in myself of my own calling, thoroughly convinced that the most wonderful thing for me is to become a vicar, there is just this niggling doubt in my mind that despite all that, the DDO and eventually the Bishops will take one look at me and say, "Nah, it's not a calling, you're mistaken and even if it was, you're not our type anyway, please go away"
John assures me it doesn't work that way but I just can't help it, every time I think of it I get really bad butterflies!
So I've got a few weeks to ready myself, get things ready in my head, to prepare and hopefully, my first meeting with the DDO on 20th June will go well.
Part of that preparation means I've bought myself yet MORE books! Yes, despite the towel nearly being thrown in by Amazon recently, my account with them got up on wobbly feet, wiped the sweat off its brow and declared itself fit to fight another round.
Delivered this very morning into my eager hands, I've now got some serious reading, research and preparation to do.
And the cat bit? A complete side issue, my old boy cat had a lump removed at the vets recently and had to have a 'lampshade' fitted yesterday to stop him nibbling stitches etc.
Trying not to giggle at the poor boy's discomfort (I'm not a cruel or scornful pet owner, honest, I really do love him!) whilst he was trying to walk around the house, wobbling, bumping into things and walking backwards was a feat, I tell you!
He shot through the open door this morning, a flying leap over next doors fence and he disappeared into the sunshine.
Long story short, a few miles covered going back and forth in the car looking for him, a kindly neighbour caught him and deposited him in my kitchen - aaaaaand RELAX!
Oooo, just thought of a book I might need, what's my password again?
So I received an email from the Leicester Diocese Director of Ordinands (DDO for short, much less of a mouthful) asking me to go and visit.
The DDO is amongst other things, responsible for thoroughly testing potential Ordination trainees vocations. She will ask many deep and varied questions about me, my faith, my spirituality, my life, my family - everything, in order to gain a clear insight into my reasons and feelings of calling, what my calling means and where it will lead me.
This for me, is where it gets really scary.
Really scary because although I'm completely convinced in myself of my own calling, thoroughly convinced that the most wonderful thing for me is to become a vicar, there is just this niggling doubt in my mind that despite all that, the DDO and eventually the Bishops will take one look at me and say, "Nah, it's not a calling, you're mistaken and even if it was, you're not our type anyway, please go away"
John assures me it doesn't work that way but I just can't help it, every time I think of it I get really bad butterflies!
So I've got a few weeks to ready myself, get things ready in my head, to prepare and hopefully, my first meeting with the DDO on 20th June will go well.
Part of that preparation means I've bought myself yet MORE books! Yes, despite the towel nearly being thrown in by Amazon recently, my account with them got up on wobbly feet, wiped the sweat off its brow and declared itself fit to fight another round.
Delivered this very morning into my eager hands, I've now got some serious reading, research and preparation to do.
And the cat bit? A complete side issue, my old boy cat had a lump removed at the vets recently and had to have a 'lampshade' fitted yesterday to stop him nibbling stitches etc.
Trying not to giggle at the poor boy's discomfort (I'm not a cruel or scornful pet owner, honest, I really do love him!) whilst he was trying to walk around the house, wobbling, bumping into things and walking backwards was a feat, I tell you!
He shot through the open door this morning, a flying leap over next doors fence and he disappeared into the sunshine.
Long story short, a few miles covered going back and forth in the car looking for him, a kindly neighbour caught him and deposited him in my kitchen - aaaaaand RELAX!
Oooo, just thought of a book I might need, what's my password again?
Monday 23 May 2011
What do the children think?
Yeah, whatever....
So obviously the first people I told were Mark and the girls.
My eldest daughter was thrilled, absolutely ecstatic.
"It'll be great having a vicar for a Mum" she told me, "So cool!"
The youngest? A girl of few words, says what she means in 3 words rather than 10 if she can help it.
Her reaction? "Yeah, whatever" She is 7.
My eldest is a very spiritual girl, loves coming to church with me on the rare Sundays that Daddy and my youngest stay at home.
She thinks it's great and apparently so do all her school mates, who now want me to be THEIR mum, 'cos they reckon I'm cool.
As for the OTHER daughter - "Yeah whatever"
Cheers!
So obviously the first people I told were Mark and the girls.
My eldest daughter was thrilled, absolutely ecstatic.
"It'll be great having a vicar for a Mum" she told me, "So cool!"
The youngest? A girl of few words, says what she means in 3 words rather than 10 if she can help it.
Her reaction? "Yeah, whatever" She is 7.
My eldest is a very spiritual girl, loves coming to church with me on the rare Sundays that Daddy and my youngest stay at home.
She thinks it's great and apparently so do all her school mates, who now want me to be THEIR mum, 'cos they reckon I'm cool.
As for the OTHER daughter - "Yeah whatever"
Cheers!
My new role in Church on Sundays and my love affair with Amazon.co.uk
Cosy evenings round at the Vicar's house, Pheasants and Elderflower cordial.
John asked me if I would like to attend a Lent Course in the 6 weeks running up to Easter Sunday. I had no idea what this involved but happily agreed.
It turns out that the Lent Course is a specially structured course studying the Easter message and relevant parts of the Bible relating to this.
The first night I went armed with my Bible (a gift from my friends at Breedon church on the day of my Confirmation), a pot of Daffodils I'd planted as a gift, a notebook and pen and some hesitancy (hesitancy only because I'm a complete beginner as far as knowing the Bible is concerned)
The vicar's wife offered me a glass of Elderflower cordial she'd made herself, YUM!! (I'm making my own as soon as the bush outside my garden is ready) and I was amazed to see a male Pheasant literally hanging off their bird feeder, right outside the kitchen window - what a treat!
The next 5 weeks saw me getting more bold with my interpretations of what parts of the Bible meant, offering up my own suggestions and ideas and by the end of the course, I'd not only gained more confidence in my understanding of the Bible, but I'd also gained some very lovely new friends.
I seem to have the role of the Intercessions reader in church on Sundays now. Briefly Intercessions are a set of prayers you write yourself but which are on behalf of the whole congregation, and are the congregations prayers to God for themselves, the world, the church and those who are suffering. Writing them is no easy task, and I was lucky to find an Intercessions Handbook on Amazon which helps me to write imaginative and interesting Intercessions.
My Amazon account is well and truly battered, let me tell you this.
I now own all sorts of books to help me - Lectionaries, handbooks, prayer books - you name it. Amazon.co.uk must love me!
So now I'm getting better at writing Intercessions and all the little old ladies in church compliment me on them after the service has ended and I'm sucking down a much needed coffee, what a lovely feeling it is!
John asked me if I would like to attend a Lent Course in the 6 weeks running up to Easter Sunday. I had no idea what this involved but happily agreed.
It turns out that the Lent Course is a specially structured course studying the Easter message and relevant parts of the Bible relating to this.
The first night I went armed with my Bible (a gift from my friends at Breedon church on the day of my Confirmation), a pot of Daffodils I'd planted as a gift, a notebook and pen and some hesitancy (hesitancy only because I'm a complete beginner as far as knowing the Bible is concerned)
The vicar's wife offered me a glass of Elderflower cordial she'd made herself, YUM!! (I'm making my own as soon as the bush outside my garden is ready) and I was amazed to see a male Pheasant literally hanging off their bird feeder, right outside the kitchen window - what a treat!
The next 5 weeks saw me getting more bold with my interpretations of what parts of the Bible meant, offering up my own suggestions and ideas and by the end of the course, I'd not only gained more confidence in my understanding of the Bible, but I'd also gained some very lovely new friends.
I seem to have the role of the Intercessions reader in church on Sundays now. Briefly Intercessions are a set of prayers you write yourself but which are on behalf of the whole congregation, and are the congregations prayers to God for themselves, the world, the church and those who are suffering. Writing them is no easy task, and I was lucky to find an Intercessions Handbook on Amazon which helps me to write imaginative and interesting Intercessions.
My Amazon account is well and truly battered, let me tell you this.
I now own all sorts of books to help me - Lectionaries, handbooks, prayer books - you name it. Amazon.co.uk must love me!
So now I'm getting better at writing Intercessions and all the little old ladies in church compliment me on them after the service has ended and I'm sucking down a much needed coffee, what a lovely feeling it is!
After realisation dawned, what happened next?
"So what did you do when you realised what was happening?"
Well, first I had to get it right in my own head. That meant asking myself questions - "IS it ministry?", "If it is, do you WANT to be a vicar?", "Do you realise how your life is going to change?", "Are you prepared for that?".
The answer to all those questions was "Yes". Yes, I think it IS ministry, although what I'm going through at the moment is the Discernment Process. A process designed to test me in every way, and to test my calling in every way, to check whether or not it IS a calling to ministry and not some other area of the church that I hadn't considered, or a complete mistake and not even a calling at all.
If it IS ministry, YES!! I do want to be a vicar, I couldn't think of a more rewarding, spiritually fulfilling and wonderful way of bringing God's word into the world (or at least MY little part of the world)
I know my life WILL change, and have no doubt that in some areas of my life it will be major changes. But if I deny what is in my heart and choose to ignore that voice in my head and let go of that hand I'm holding, I think I will feel lost, and will regret it for the rest of my life.
So yes, I AM prepared for the changes this will bring. Obviously I don't know WHAT those changes will be because they will be many and varied, but I AM prepared to make those sacrifices and changes.
So what did I do next?
I told Mark.
I took a deep breath one night on the sofa and came right out with it. Then I screwed my eyes tightly shut and waited for his reaction.
"I think that's wonderful, darling and if it's what you want to do, I'm behind you all the way, no matter what happens"
I cried.
I really did! The relief was almost palpable, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt elated, and unbelievably happy. Having the support of your soul mate, your very best friend and partner in life, you can do almost anything. This gave me the courage to tell my family, and sat around the dinner table one Sunday when we were all together, I took a gulp of my wine and said, "I have something to tell you all".
My mum looked over at my sister and mouthed to her, "Wait for it, she wants to be a vicar....."
And so the reactions from all the people I told after that went pretty much the same way, "I think you'd make a GREAT vicar!", "Brill, Elaine, you'd be perfect", "Now that I think of it, you'd make a brill vicar" and so on...
Not one single soul said "You?!! A vicar? You're joking, no way, I just can't see it"
The next step was to tell my own vicar, John, and set the ball officially rolling. John is the parish priest of the church we now attend regularly, St Mary & St Hardulph in Breedon-on-the-Hill, Derbyshire. It is a 12th century former priory in a beautiful setting right on top of a hill and one of the most stunning churches I have ever seen or been into (the floodlighting at night makes it visible for miles around and if ever you are heading north on the M42, look left as you near Castle Donington and you'll see it, it will take your breath away, I never get tired of seeing it as I make my way there on Sundays)
I have honestly never been made to feel more welcome in a church family than this one. Every person there is warm, friendly and welcoming and never once have I been made to feel like an outsider or unwelcome in any way. (I should add at this point that we're not outsiders in that sense, it is our family church on Mark's side of the family, the family has had weddings there, our children have all been baptised there and my in-laws lived in the next village along from Breedon)
John was thrilled when I went round one evening to tell him what I was feeling and has been such a rock of support, there every step of the way. He gave me a leaflet which ironically had come to him in the post that same day, advertising an upcoming Vocations day, exploring callings within the church - aptly named "Called?".
I attended the day and can truly say my appetite was further whetted! I attended workshops on callings to ministry and the Reader programme. I learned all about what is involved, how the Discernment Process develops, what ordination candidates have to go through before they even begin training, who they meet with and what happens to them along the way. I came away thrilled, having a million more questions now in my head but so excited, so wanting to know and do more.
And without a single doubt as to what I wanted to do.
Well, first I had to get it right in my own head. That meant asking myself questions - "IS it ministry?", "If it is, do you WANT to be a vicar?", "Do you realise how your life is going to change?", "Are you prepared for that?".
The answer to all those questions was "Yes". Yes, I think it IS ministry, although what I'm going through at the moment is the Discernment Process. A process designed to test me in every way, and to test my calling in every way, to check whether or not it IS a calling to ministry and not some other area of the church that I hadn't considered, or a complete mistake and not even a calling at all.
If it IS ministry, YES!! I do want to be a vicar, I couldn't think of a more rewarding, spiritually fulfilling and wonderful way of bringing God's word into the world (or at least MY little part of the world)
I know my life WILL change, and have no doubt that in some areas of my life it will be major changes. But if I deny what is in my heart and choose to ignore that voice in my head and let go of that hand I'm holding, I think I will feel lost, and will regret it for the rest of my life.
So yes, I AM prepared for the changes this will bring. Obviously I don't know WHAT those changes will be because they will be many and varied, but I AM prepared to make those sacrifices and changes.
So what did I do next?
I told Mark.
I took a deep breath one night on the sofa and came right out with it. Then I screwed my eyes tightly shut and waited for his reaction.
"I think that's wonderful, darling and if it's what you want to do, I'm behind you all the way, no matter what happens"
I cried.
I really did! The relief was almost palpable, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt elated, and unbelievably happy. Having the support of your soul mate, your very best friend and partner in life, you can do almost anything. This gave me the courage to tell my family, and sat around the dinner table one Sunday when we were all together, I took a gulp of my wine and said, "I have something to tell you all".
My mum looked over at my sister and mouthed to her, "Wait for it, she wants to be a vicar....."
And so the reactions from all the people I told after that went pretty much the same way, "I think you'd make a GREAT vicar!", "Brill, Elaine, you'd be perfect", "Now that I think of it, you'd make a brill vicar" and so on...
Not one single soul said "You?!! A vicar? You're joking, no way, I just can't see it"
The next step was to tell my own vicar, John, and set the ball officially rolling. John is the parish priest of the church we now attend regularly, St Mary & St Hardulph in Breedon-on-the-Hill, Derbyshire. It is a 12th century former priory in a beautiful setting right on top of a hill and one of the most stunning churches I have ever seen or been into (the floodlighting at night makes it visible for miles around and if ever you are heading north on the M42, look left as you near Castle Donington and you'll see it, it will take your breath away, I never get tired of seeing it as I make my way there on Sundays)
I have honestly never been made to feel more welcome in a church family than this one. Every person there is warm, friendly and welcoming and never once have I been made to feel like an outsider or unwelcome in any way. (I should add at this point that we're not outsiders in that sense, it is our family church on Mark's side of the family, the family has had weddings there, our children have all been baptised there and my in-laws lived in the next village along from Breedon)
John was thrilled when I went round one evening to tell him what I was feeling and has been such a rock of support, there every step of the way. He gave me a leaflet which ironically had come to him in the post that same day, advertising an upcoming Vocations day, exploring callings within the church - aptly named "Called?".
I attended the day and can truly say my appetite was further whetted! I attended workshops on callings to ministry and the Reader programme. I learned all about what is involved, how the Discernment Process develops, what ordination candidates have to go through before they even begin training, who they meet with and what happens to them along the way. I came away thrilled, having a million more questions now in my head but so excited, so wanting to know and do more.
And without a single doubt as to what I wanted to do.
So THAT'S what it is then!
My friends call me the Vicar of Dishley after the area in which I live. It's a joke of course, and they all think they thought of it first! In fact the moniker came courtesy of my husbands best friend Cliff, who I really should credit with the title of my blog! He called me this when I first revealed that I was feeling a strong call into the Church. In fact, they all did.
Let me introduce myself. I'm Elaine, I am very happily married to my lovely husband and we have 2 beautiful daughters.
For a number of years there has been something at the very back of my mind, in relation to God. I've never been able to describe it adequately, but I could consider the feeling to be a hand holding mine, or someone else there with me that I cannot see but who I can feel.
Some years ago, a very close and much loved relation, my Aunty Em, a very faithful and devoted Catholic woman of some 90 or so years told me (after I confessed to her my frustrations and guilt at loving God so much and feeling Him there with me, yet not really going to church on a regular basis), that you don't have to go to church to be faithful to God and Jesus Christ, that God loves me no matter where I go and what I do, and He knows I love Him.
These words set something off in my mind, although I didn't realise it at the time. Maybe they made me listen more closely to something that was being whispered to me, or maybe it was my mind being opened to God saying, "Come on Elaine, take my hand and let's go, see where we end up". She passed away a couple of years ago aged 96, but I dedicate my whole journey to her, she gave me the courage to open my heart and my mind to God and not to be scared to say, "I love God and I know He loves me".
So where I have ended up, 6 or 7 years later is here. Exploring my faith even more deeply, seeing if my path leads to becoming an ordained minister, or more simply a vicar, if that's what He intends for me.
A few months ago, I finally realised where I was being led, and it was onto this path, the one I'm taking now. It wasn't a 'Eureka' type realisation but it WAS a "Oh, is THAT what it is I've been feeling all this time?" moment. And I tell you, when you realise you're being called by God to something, you choose to either ignore the calling or do what I did - take His hand and see where you go....
So, I'll be sharing my journey with you and we can go along together and hopefully my blog might even encourage someone who is struggling with THEIR choice, to find the courage to take God's hand and see where they go.
Let me introduce myself. I'm Elaine, I am very happily married to my lovely husband and we have 2 beautiful daughters.
For a number of years there has been something at the very back of my mind, in relation to God. I've never been able to describe it adequately, but I could consider the feeling to be a hand holding mine, or someone else there with me that I cannot see but who I can feel.
Some years ago, a very close and much loved relation, my Aunty Em, a very faithful and devoted Catholic woman of some 90 or so years told me (after I confessed to her my frustrations and guilt at loving God so much and feeling Him there with me, yet not really going to church on a regular basis), that you don't have to go to church to be faithful to God and Jesus Christ, that God loves me no matter where I go and what I do, and He knows I love Him.
These words set something off in my mind, although I didn't realise it at the time. Maybe they made me listen more closely to something that was being whispered to me, or maybe it was my mind being opened to God saying, "Come on Elaine, take my hand and let's go, see where we end up". She passed away a couple of years ago aged 96, but I dedicate my whole journey to her, she gave me the courage to open my heart and my mind to God and not to be scared to say, "I love God and I know He loves me".
So where I have ended up, 6 or 7 years later is here. Exploring my faith even more deeply, seeing if my path leads to becoming an ordained minister, or more simply a vicar, if that's what He intends for me.
A few months ago, I finally realised where I was being led, and it was onto this path, the one I'm taking now. It wasn't a 'Eureka' type realisation but it WAS a "Oh, is THAT what it is I've been feeling all this time?" moment. And I tell you, when you realise you're being called by God to something, you choose to either ignore the calling or do what I did - take His hand and see where you go....
So, I'll be sharing my journey with you and we can go along together and hopefully my blog might even encourage someone who is struggling with THEIR choice, to find the courage to take God's hand and see where they go.
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