I'm thinking positively....

....but I daren't breathe all the way out just yet.

Meeting number 3 with the DDO yesterday. This time my incumbent John came with me.

I was kind of wondering why he had been asked to attend, curiosity killed the cat and all that, but it was soon made clear.

The DDO told me she was very pleased with the amount of work I have been doing, and pleased with my motivation and willingness to take on the tasks I have been set.

I must just say at this point that I'm not doing all this work because I feel I have to, I'm doing it all because I want to, and I'm very happy to. But I guess you already knew that!

I am enjoying my college course, 'Church & Ministry' from St John's in Nottingham which I am working hard on and yesterday I started my JiF (Journey in Faith) course over at St Martins House in Leicester, next door to the Cathedral. This is a year long course which is designed to give me the good solid theological backgrounding I'll need as I go about preparing for my BAP which will probably be around this time next year.

In the new year, I will be put on placement in a local church in order to gain ministerial experience, and I'm looking forward to this, you know, getting my teeth into preaching and ministry. I am also going to be participating more in services in my own church.

In the meantime I have to find a Spiritual Advisor and arrange to meet with them. These advisors are specially trained to meet with and talk to ordination candidates to help guide them through the process of discernment and beyond and to listen to and advise them in their ministry. It's a bit like going to see a shrink; it's all confidential, and what is discussed never leaves the room but I am told that this whole ordination journey can be very taxing on the spirit and the mind and that these advisors are especially trained to help with this. You have to 'click' with your advisor though because they'll be your spiritual mother, father and teacher for years to come, the relationship has to be just right.

Now, to explain how I feel about all this, I hope you can understand:

I feel like I have made huge steps forward from the day I realised I was being called by God, I was a crawling baby. I now feel like a toddler. Up and walking on my feet but still a bit wobbly. Over the next year or so, I'll become stronger, more knowledgeable, understand my faith and my church more and grow theologically.
With this comes confidence. Not total confidence, but the more I meet with people whose job it is to know these things and to hear them telling me that I already meet alot of parts of the 9 criteria for selection to training, but that in some areas I need to develop more, I am filled with hope.

I had a great meeting with the DDO yesterday. John was asked to voice his feelings about whether he sees me as a suitable candidate, and he was extremely positive and encouraging when he confirmed that yes, he's very pleased with me and my progress and he thinks I would be a good example of a suitable candidate for ordination training.

I now feel like the door on my own self doubt is starting to close and the door in front of me, the door to the BAP and beyond is open and I am being invited to walk through. I have doubted myself for so long, I'm unwilling to simply say, "Oh, OK then, you reckon I'm getting there and am suitable material so I must be going to pass my BAP and get through" but I am becoming more and more confident that I will get there and go through to ordination.

It's looking good from here. I'm unbelievably excited to think that I might just make it after all.