Tempus Fugit....

Time does indeed fly....almost 2 years of exploration of my calling and vocation, and I'm nearly at the end of this process and ready to move on to the next stage - having my vocation tested at the BAP.

Since my last post, I've been rather busy putting together my side of the paperwork that'll be needed for my DDO to put together the BAP sponsoring papers.

With that and starting a new course, Living in Faith, I find myself rather busy at the moment.

Living in Faith is a diocesan course, open to anyone, which allows students to dig even deeper into more specific areas of our Christian faith; Biblical Hermeneutics (critical textual analysis of the Bible) Apologetics and Theological Reflection are just some of the modules we'll be covering.

It's really deep! Well, for me it is anyway....but I know that it's really good practise to get into; developing good study habits, for if and when I begin ordination training.

I've been told that the date for my BAP will be around Easter 2013, so late April/early May.

So what's next is preparing the presentation that I'll give at BAP and also meeting with the Bishop in December, to seek his approval to attend BAP.

Today I'm off to visit my prospective Theological college - Queen's Foundation in Edgbaston - for their open day. I'm looking forward to it and also seeing where I might be studying and experiencing a bit of the student life.

This is the way things are done apparently; before they even know whether or not they'll be selected for training, candidates get sent to their new colleges for a look around - I reckon it's a bit like putting the cart before the horse, but that's just me.

And if I am selected for training, I'll be changing my name. At the moment, I'm known as a 'candidate'. If I'm selected, I'll become an 'ordinand'.

Posh eh?!!

Clarity and Growth....

I know exactly where I am going....

I suppose I've known it all along really but haven't had the courage to say it until now.

I won't bore you with it again, you know what I'm up to and where I'm headed.

Silly as it may sound, I think about it every day; I live and breathe my call, it never leaves me, and it's on my mind every minute of every day. It's woven into the very fabric that is me.

He's clever is God. Very clever indeed. He waited and waited. He watched and waited and when He decided I was ready, he pounced.

They say if God wants you for something, He gets you in the end, no matter how much you fight against it.

And I haven't really fought against it.

I did. In the beginning. But not now.

So there's the clarity. I know where I'm going.

Growth? You wouldn't believe how much I've grown. Grown into my faith, grown into my learning, grown into my role of a church leader, grown into the acceptance of not, 'Who me?' but now 'Yes, He does mean me'. And I still have much more growing to do.

I had a very pleasant lunch with a new Curate last week. We compared our callings and our journeys and we laughed at how similar they were/are. We laughed loads actually, because we could have been one and the same person experiencing the same journey and call. That gave me real hope and confidence.

I'm due to go to BAP sometime early in the new year, only a few months away. And for the first time in the last 2 years of my journey of discernment, I actually feel that I might stand a good chance of being accepted to training (should I dare to say this just yet?) So everybody tells me anyway. I never thought I'd feel ready or even remotely confident.

I pray for the advisors at my BAP to be open to understanding God's will for me and all the candidates.

Getting there on the "Why me?" and other things....

In the last few weeks and months, I have had some soul searching to do.

The problem I have had, as I mentioned before is the "Why me?" issue. When all around me I look and see so many people who would be so much more suited to the life of a Priest, I look at myself and think, "Why would God want ME? I'm so ordinary. I'm imperfect, I shout at my children, I think bad thoughts sometimes, why someone like me?"

But then, as my lovely husband points out, Jesus was an ordinary human himself. A simple man who dined with sinners, walked everywhere, argued with Priests and who died so that we wouldn't have to take the blame. How much more ordinary can you get?

Coupled with the fact that even clergy with whom I come into regular contact and work alongside tell me that they don't doubt my vocation is to the Priesthood, I'm actually getting there with the acceptance, I know full well where I am going and what I am moving towards, but it isn't easy to come to terms with, I can tell you.

If you asked me if in a practical sense I could 'do' Priest, 'be' Priest and live the life of a Priest, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. I know I posess the qualities of a Priest and willingness to lead and be led by God in everything I do. Growing into the acceptance that God is leading me to fulfilling what I believe is his plan for me - to become a Priest, has not been easy.

So, I recently gave myself a stern talking to, told myself to get over it, and to have the courage and the conviction to now say "Yes, God DOES mean me".

My latest meeting with the DDO went quite well I think, moving away from the difficulties I have had in articulating my vocation and onto other areas of the criteria which I will be tested on at my BAP, I'm feeling a bit more confident than I have before. Every day I learn something that clicks in my mind and gives me good, firm understanding of one of the many areas I will be tested on.

Thankfully I am finding people in the diocese who are able and very willing to help me on my journey, those who are happy to give of their time and sit and talk with me, share some information, opinions and ideas, all with a view to helping me gain real insight and understanding of the life I am (hopefully, please God) about to embark upon.

BAP dates of sometime before Christmas have been mentioned. 6 months ago I would have recoiled in horror at the thought of this, but I'm feeling a bit more confident as time goes on.

All I know is this: God has called me for something, I had no idea what but I told God I would put myself firmly in his hands and trust him to lead me wherever it was he wanted me to be. I've not questioned, fought against or argued with him about where I'm going, I have followed willingly and faithfully and I believe he is leading me to the life of a Priest.

I pray for God's continued guidance and leadership, and when it comes to it, a successful BAP.

Still wondering why me?

It's been a while since I've posted and in that time I have settled in quite nicely to the practical side of ministry; assisting the priest during services, devising exciting childrens services, being let loose and taking services unsupervised and all the other things that practical ministry entails.


As far as my spiritual life is developing I know I need to find times to let God in, to spend quality time reading scripture and developing a regular prayer life and allowing them to weave into my everyday life so that the two exist happily together in the same body, and I'm enjoying making this transition. I still go up to my beloved Mount St Bernards Abbey as often as I can (I'm becoming a bit of a Friday regular there nowadays, taking my Bible and my prayers and thoughts, hopes and fears and presenting myself to God so we can be together and talk for an hour or so) it's such precious time and I wish I could step back and do it more often, as when I leave I love the sense of peace that washes over me and the feeling that I have God within me and all around me. Still, I say my night prayer almost every night, and offer up impromptu prayers throughout the day as I feel the need, although really developing regular prayer time is something I'm enjoying making room for in my life. I have a Quiet Day booked at Launde Abbey in July and I'm really ready for this. I loved the last one I went on and am really looking forward to taking time out from the rat race and spending a day in complete silence in the presence of God.


Following my last meeting with the DDO, I have had my head in the books, just really getting to know the ins and outs of my Christian faith, finding out things I need to know and getting a good grasp on who I am and what I am in regards to my faith and what it means to me.


I decided to put my BAP back until Spring 2013 because I still don't feel, even 16 months into my exploration and discerning my calling, that I could confidently attend an Autumn BAP but then again, I am not feeling that I could EVER confidently attend a BAP! I'm sure I'm not alone in this though and other candidates will no doubt be feeling the same way.


I try to find other peoples experiences of their journeys and BAPs on the net and sometimes I'll find a great blog that someone has written that fills me with confidence (even if only for a short while) and then I read others that fill me with dread (I've decided I'm going to stop reading!) especially when I hear about candidates who have attended a BAP with years and years of discerning and preparation under their belts, who are not recommended.


So at my next meeting with the DDO tomorrow, I have been told I will be undergoing a mock interview on the first 2 criteria. I have read and re-read, swotted and read some more and think I have a pretty good grasp on things as long as I can articulate myself well enough. I tend to go into these sort of things a bag of nerves and lose all ability to think coherently, or even speak properly and it's this that is bothering me. 


I can know everything I need to know, have learnt as much as I can, have pre-formed responses in my mind to all the types of random questions I will have been tested on beforehand, but I'll still make a huge fool of myself when it comes to the real thing and I'll sit there like a blithering idiot, mumbling silly answers whilst the great responses are screaming in my head to be let out! 


I'm praying tomorrows meeting will be OK, that I'll find the words I need to find and say the right things and leave with a sense that I might just be OK after all......but we'll see.

8 weeks gone in a flash....

.....and the sheep returns to the fold.

So my placement at All Saints finished on Easter morning. It was a fabulous service and very well attended (despite the early start), solemn at first but it soon turned to much noise making, singing and shouting and I'm sure "Alleluia!!!" could be heard from miles away that day!

I am, of course, quite sad to have left, but I leave with such confidence and determination to build on what I have experienced. I'm also sad to have left the lovely people there, I have really made some strong pastoral connections with members of the congregation and people who work there, that I feel like I am part of the church family here. I will be back, I won't be able to keep away!

From there I went directly up to Breedon, where I was welcomed back like a long lost friend. It was truly wonderful how warm the greetings were, hugs all round and much happiness on my part and, it seemed, on theirs!

I found myself feeling 'different' though. In quite what way I cannot describe but I put it down to the new found ministerial skills I have gained, the new found confidence to lead services and the realisation that this really, REALLY now feels like my place in life.

I know I have said this before but this feeling that I am showing God's love through my love for people is such a strong one, and I am so convinced that this is the right path for me, it's a very humbling feeling. Bringing people to God and Jesus Christ through the way I deal with them, interact with them, care for them and love them is my mission from God himself, I truly believe this.

The next step to look forward to is meeting with the Bishop, as I progress on my journey, and then later in the Autumn, my selection conference (where nerves will abound) but in the meantime - busy, busy, busy!

And I couldn't be happier.

If it didn't feel so right.......

.....why would I be excited at the prospect of getting up at 4 a.m. on Easter Day and heading off to the first of the 3 churches I will be leading services in that day?

Discussing this with my husband this morning, I was explaining how things will work out on Easter Day between us as a family, and I mentioned that I will be up at 4 a.m., heading off to my placement church to deacon at the 6 a.m. vigil, then off to Breedon church to preach and serve at the 9.45 a.m. service, and afterwards off to another church in the group to preach and serve at their 11.15 a.m. service.

And the thing I noticed was that I got a huge burst of butterflies while I was discussing it.

I am HUGELY excited at the prospect of all this and feel that I definitely now consider myself a church leader, lay preacher, lay deacon, whatever you'd care to call me. I'm feeling rather snazzy too in my beautiful alb, guarding it fiercely against smudges and dirty marks (I'm sure I'll be chucking it around any old how in years to come though)

Week 4 of my 8 week placement has come and gone and I've learned so much. I've made the odd mistake too, but I've done so many more things right and well that the mistakes are no problem, all part of the learning curve.

The most striking thing for me during all of this, is that this role, this servants role that I find myself in, is an extremely humbling one and one that makes me feel totally and utterly insignificant in the big scheme of things. It's an honour and a privilege to be serving people in this way and it feels like my natural place in life. I hope you can understand what I mean by this.

And after my placement and Easter are over, I think I'll be ready for a couple of Sundays off.

Sink or Swim, Madam?

You know that feeling you get when you're chucked in at the deep end and you know it's a case of sink or swim?

I'm pleased to say I swam!

And judging by the encouraging remarks from the vicar, I swam rather well.

Week 1 of my 8 week placement at the parish church of Loughborough, All Saints with Holy Trinity began in earnest yesterday.

A quiet 9.00am Holy Communion service started the day, my duties included reading the Gospel and serving Communion.

Performing these duties regularly in my own church gives me the confidence to go to another church (whose ways and customs differ) and fit in with their own style of worship. Nods and gestures from the vicar guided me along the way and by the end of the service I felt comfortable and confident.

A baptism followed and the church packed out quite considerably. I assisted the vicar during the baptism and in the evening at Parish Communion, took on (with short notice) the role of an absent leader, when I was originally only to observe (more notches on the church leadership belt!)

I came home with a sense of real fulfilment and joy. It was a long and busy day which I enjoyed immensely. I feel I managed quite well, I didn't get flummoxed and I feel that my work was fairly free flowing and competent.

Week 2 will include introducing the confession, reading the Creed and in the evening, preaching.

Daunting as this might seem in a new, and much bigger church with higher congregational numbers, I'm looking forward to it here. I feel very blessed to have the confidence to stand up in front of a packed church, step up to the pulpit and preach. Any nerves I might feel always seem to disappear just at the right moment whenever I do preach. God has blessed me with this gift of communication for a reason, and that is, I believe, to bring God to the people and the people to God.

Looking forward to my placement.

The agenda for my church placement reads like a bit like a shopping list, and I suppose it is in a way - the shopping list of the duties of an ordinand, which I hope to be by the end of this year (an ordinand is someone who is undergoing formal ministry & theology training) as what I am going through right now is my informal training.

Of course there is no guarantee that a candidate for ordination will be recommended for formal training when they have completed their BAP (Bishop's Advisory Panel) but at the very least one can go into this sort of thing with good, solid informal training under their belt (which I am currently undergoing), a good backgrounding in Theology (as I am doing with my JiF and St John's college courses), the necessary people skills, personal strength and character required of a minister (which I believe I possess) and of course, Gods good grace and blessings (which I also believe I have).

After that, it's up to the bishop's advisors to decide if I have 'the right stuff'.

So what was originally a placement during February and March has now also turned into February, March & April, by request, as I'd really like to get some ministry experience around Easter time in, especially as this church holds many diverse services around this time of the year that other churches don't, including weekday services and I think this will be extremely good for me.

So on 19th February, I begin.

A new chapter in my lay ministry is beginning, and I'm ready, willing and hopefully able!

2nd time around Preaching, my first address wearing my new vestment - Cassock Alb.

I'm so glad I was wearing a big heavy woollen robe this morning, it was -2c and the church heating had broken in the frost!

Any nerves I'd been feeling disappeared the minute I stepped up to speak and I really, really enjoyed delivering my address (again!). It has definitely given me the confidence I need to go now to my placement church and experience a different style of worship.


By the end of my 6 weeks there I will no doubt have gained some extremely useful experience and skills to help me move forward on my journey.


The mental shift into the role that I hope to fulfil is beginning, and I'm very excited by this and extremely thankful for God's guidance at every step. I'm very glad I listened and heard His call and took the leap of faith when I took His hand and asked Him to show me what He had planned for me.


So far I have experienced only joy and fulfilment and my life has taken on a new and amazing dimension that is better than anything in the world.


Life is so much brighter, richer, happier and worthwhile with our Lord and Christ in it.


God bless us every one!

The Power of Prayer

In the last few months, as friends, family and aquaintances become more aware of the journey I am on and as I myself become more 'Godly' in my outlook and attitude (if you understand what I mean by this), I am finding myself increasingly consulted in matters of morality, the giving of advice and quite often, I'm asked to pray for someone.

Now I don't know if this is because of the fact that I have offered myself up for ordination and have a life deeply grounded in Christ, or even because maybe I, to them, have changed in such a way that I display more of the virtues of a priestly person than I did before, but this is what's happening.

I don't hesitate of course, I gladly agree to pray for that someone or that situation; I remember them in my Night Prayers and have them mentioned in church during Intercessions. I also have them on my mind at times of impromptu praying, whenever the need to pray comes upon me.

Which makes me ask the question: Even if you are not a churchgoer, have no real faith in Christ, or are simply not interested - Does the knowledge that someone is praying for you give you a feeling of well-being and some measure of inner peace? Does it enable you to go about your daily life safe in the knowledge that someone spiritually 'has your back'?

It's an extremely important thing, having the responsibility for someone's spiritual well-being in your hands. How you treat that well-being and what you do with it are of tantamount importance and should not be taken lightly. It is a God given gift to be able to pray for someone, a precious task to be handled with delicacy, care and loving attention at all times.

So I ask you this - and I don't mean for you to necessarily think of me as that person, just because you know me but "Does having someone pray for you help you to cope with a difficult situation?"

I'm inviting you to please add your comments below, I'm very interested to know how this question makes you feel.

I'd also like to know if you would be interested in 'Prayer Requests' whereby you give me the name(s) of people who are going through difficulties that you would like me to pray for, or even if you yourself need the occasional prayer to help and guide you.

Bit of a different post this one, as you've probably gathered but please work with me on this, it should take just a few seconds of your time.

God Bless.

Elaine

(And funnily enough, just as I finish typing this, another prayer request is received)

I now work 6 days a week......

....including Sundays.

Since I gave my first address, sermon, or whatever you'd like to call it, the pace has picked up in my church life and I'm now looking forward to starting my new placement, which will begin soon, where I'll be gaining some more diverse hands-on experience of church and ministerial work.

Loughborough is a very big town in comparison to some, and although there are many churches here, All Saints with Holy Trinity is seen as the parish church of Loughborough. It's very beautiful and has many historical features dating back hundreds of years. It was built in around 1330, in Norman and Saxon times, with later additions to the building dating  back to around the 14th and 15th century.

I met with the vicar of All Saints last week to discuss my going on a work placement there during the Spring. This will involve more of the work I'm already doing at Breedon, but on a more intensive scale. Being town based, the church is open for services almost every day; Morning and Evening prayer, midweek Communion services, Midday prayer and more.

Initially for approximately 6 weeks, my placement will involve observation, participation in leading services, serving, leading intercessions and reading. I will also be sitting in on pastoral visiting and vestry time with baptism families and wedding couples.

I feel a little nervous about this but know that as with Breedon, at first it IS nerve wracking but once I've done these things a few times, I'll be fine. I remember vividly the first time John asked me to lead Intercessions, I had very little idea of what this entailed and shook with nerves as I stood up to read.

The next thing to become nervous about is that during certain services, such as Communion, I will be wearing robes. A small thing you may think but huge for me!

I'm really, really looking forward to all of this and again, it is all great experience for me to take to my BAP towards the end of the year.



My Journey in Faith (JiF) course begins again next week, after a break for Christmas and the first thing on the agenda is to hand in our assignments.  They are optional for those who seek to simply gain more knowledge of the church by taking this course, but compulsory for those who intend to go onto more formal ministry training. That's me. I hope.

Of the 5 assignments on offer, I was apparently the only one who decided to do the Theological Reflection (TR) assignment.

It sounds very grand and I suppose it is, but in touching on TR during one of our sessions recently, I found that not only did I 'get' the process and understand how it works, but I really enjoyed learning about it. TR is a recognised discipline which is designed to help to diagnose the causes and reasons for an experience that an individual or a group has, and using the TR method along with prayer, the power of the Holy Spirit and God's presence and influence on the proceedings, to analyse and discuss it in depth and to come to a decision as to what action to take in response to the experience. It is also commonly known as the Pastoral Cycle.

2000 words (2200 max) went by in a flash and I did have to do a certain amount of trimming of words to get it down to the permitted amount. I'm pleased with it, I believe I've done what has been asked and am looking forward to the result and any comments and help from the adjudicators when it's handed back.

In November and December I 'worked' 5 Sundays out of 8 and was mentally very tired by Christmas. I'm on Breedon's rota to do much the same in January and February before beginning at All Saints. I don't feel at all like I'm doing too much but I must take care not to overdo it. 

Which reminds me, I MUST make an appointment to go and see my Spiritual Advisor and have a good chat with her about everything that's going on.

I might also try and squeeze in another one of those wonderful 'Quiet Days' at Launde Abbey soon, I know I'm going to need one!