Theological college is great.........

....but I feel a bit out of my depth...







Academically speaking, of course.

Part of my discernment process over the last two years or so has been identifying the type of person I am. Quite often, during that process, I felt a complete and utter failure with no chance of ever being accepted for ordination training, simply because I was and am not a big words and jargon kind of girl (as you may have guessed by now) and I had trouble articulating both myself and my vocation.

In the simplest terms - I recognised that I am a doer, not a thinker - I am practical, rather than academic, and I felt that somehow, this was not a good enough reason to be recommended for ordained ministry.

Maybe NOW you understand the reason for this post title!

Getting to grips with the fact that I HAD to be able to develop myself in academic terms was not easy but I don't think I'll ever be a boffin, I'm not that clever!

So arriving at Theological College - Queen's Foundation in Edgbaston, Birmingham - I felt like the proverbial rabbit caught in headlights. In fact, we all did to some degree, from what I gathered through conversations with my follow students.

The Induction weekend was fab, I really enjoyed finally being at college, being able to call myself an Ordinand (at last!) and feeling the high of beginning my training for ministry and now, a couple of months in, I'm starting to settle nicely into the pattern of weekday evenings and residential weekends and I'm really enjoying my studies.

My tutors are a great bunch of really dedicated people, and my college is diverse, ecumenical, warm and friendly. I've made some great new friends and I believe these relationships will last long after our training is over and we're let loose into the world of ministry.

The course I am studying is a B.A. in Theology.

And this is where the worry and self-doubt comes in again (will I ever change?!) - if it were a case of me training in a practical sense, I think I'd be fine; confident and successful. But because I'm not too academically minded, I'm hoping I'll be able to cope with study at such a high level.

I'm sure I'll be fine. My tutors are very supportive and they recognise the fact that we're all very different in our approach to study and while they know that many of us haven't worked at this level for a long time, if at all, they're ready and waiting to help us get through, whenever we feel we might be struggling.

So my first assignment deadline looms large - I'm working hard at home, researching and building what I hope will be a decent first essay.

What IS good to know though, and this is something that is at the forefront of my mind every single day, is that God will get me there because it's what He has planned for me. There was a time I thought the very same thing about my whole discernment process - i.e. that I wouldn't make it through, and I wouldn't be accepted for Ordination training.

God didn't let me down then - and I know that He won't now. I'm really thankful for that. But let there be no doubt - I am LOVING college, and training for ministry. It's that unshakeable certainty behind the knowledge that I am in the place I am meant to be, doing what I am meant to be doing, training for a life that I'm meant to live - and with that knowledge and the knowledge that God holds me in His hands through all of this, comes a great deal of comfort.

Here's a prayer we used in church last Sunday, and it's one that really spoke to me, I hope it speaks to you also:


Good morning.  I am God.  

Today I will be handling all of your problems.

Please remember that I do not need your help.  

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.  

Kindly put it in the SFJTD (something for Jesus to do) box.  It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or remove it.  

Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.

If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep.  

Rest my child.  

If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.

It's a long 4 months.....

....waiting to begin training.

Since being accepted for ordination training in May, I wondered how I'd feel in the quiet 4 months between that and starting college in September.

I've been surprisingly frustrated, believe it or not!

When you consider that for the last 2 years, I've lived, slept, breathed, eaten and drank my vocation, speaking about it, reflecting on it, talking and writing about it and desperately trying to make sense of it so that I can convincingly articulate it to others, this 4 month lull is, for me, quite hard.

It's like a huge comedown from a euphoric high that lasted 2 years - a 4 month comedown. I don't know whether you can understand what I mean, but I hope you can.

In this time I've also done a lot of thinking and I'm still completely incredulous as to the fact that I am  a future Rev. - silly really I guess! I reckon I'll start feeling like one when I begin my formational training.

I'm SO ready for that, I can hardly wait. I get random moments, when I'm right in the middle of something, of  "Oh my goodness! I'm going to be a vicar!" and with that comes a huge surge of butterflies and I get all excited and incredulous again!

I think it's because of this feeling of disbelief, both that I have been called to the priesthood and in my own belief in myself and my abilities, that I really can't wait to begin my training, to embark on that essential personal and spiritual formation of the priestly person.

Maybe when I finally get to college, I will really start to believe it's happening to ME.

Skipping through the last door.......

......with a 'Recommendation' for training!

So I very nervously attended my BAP in Ely. What a beautiful place, and with the Cathedral a stone's throw from the retreat house, there was space and time for prayer and reflection.

I had worked myself up into a real state of anxiety, dreading my BAP but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.

I was with 15 of the most wonderful people I have ever met. We upheld each other throughout it all, cared for each other and patted shoulders and backs whenever needed. It was a privilege to be with them and I hope I meet them again in my ministerial life. It was a profound experience for us all, and we reluctantly left each other with hugs and prayers on the final day.

The week in between coming home and receiving the call from the DDO was as taut as it's said to be. I constantly berated myself for things I said, things I didn't say and things I ought to have said. Despite feeling I had given a good account of myself and some good responses in my interviews, I still dared not to hope for a thumbs up.

The text message came through the following Thursday, congratulating me on being recommended and I yelled at the top of my voice, burst into tears and ran out of the room! My daughters thought something awful had happened - but on seeing the message they too cried and we all hugged each other with joy.

A huge dose of humility came with that text message - huge. The feelings of knowing where I had been going on my journey but not daring to hope that I'd make it; the feelings of doubt I had had in 'owning' my vocation, the feeling of being so humbled and overwhelmed by it, and so undeserving  - had left me in trouble at times; unable to articulate how I was feeling, which would not be a good thing, especially at BAP when you have to be able to do just that.

5 days later, I still feel that it hasn't sunk in yet - it doesn't feel real that I have become an Ordinand in the Church of England, that I will begin ordination training in September, and that, God willing, I am the future Rev. Elaine Wykes. My girls think it's ace, my husband thinks it's ace, everyone I have told think it's ace!

I pray to God that I will be worthy of His calling and that I will serve Him to the best of my ability for the rest of my life.

I haven't come back down to earth yet, and there's currently a flurry of paperwork to be completed, college to contact and accept my place and general ministry details to be sorted out, but whan that's done, I'll be spending some QT with God and going over the last 2/3 years with Him and thanking Him for making me who I am, what I am and what I will be.



Thank you, reader, for having accompanied me on my journey over the last 2 years. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. It's not been easy but it has been right.

So I'll nip in now and again and keep you updated on my progress in training.

I hope I have helped even one person to make sense of their journey towards ordination - I know I have helped Mike - Baildon Candidate - who commented on my last post. I pray for his path to become clear and for God's will for him to be realised - whatever that may be.

God bless you all and thank you for being there for me - it means more to me than you can ever know.

The Last Door......

It's now February and it's getting very close to my BAP now.

I have been given my date - 22-24 April and I go to Ely.

I really enjoyed my visit to Queen's in Birmingham, I loved the family feel of the place, as many families live and study there, also the ecumenical approach to training, meaning I would not only train alongside Anglican ordinands, but other denominations too.

My meeting with the Bishop went really well. He was so lovely and we had a really good chat about life, my vocation and what God is doing with me.

His report came back to me the same evening; affirming and so warm that it brought me to tears, all the lovely things he said. He also said he didn't have a single doubt that I'm being called to the Priesthood and that as a priest, I could have a 'ministry of significance'.

Therefore, he was pleased to sponsor me to go to BAP.

In November, I became a 'Cursillista'. That is, someone who has been on a Christian pilgrimage on a recognised worldwide course called 'Cursilllo'. It was held at Launde Abbey and was one of the most emotional and wonderfully strong high points of my Christian journey thus far.

The last 2 years exploring my vocation has been all about corners. I've turned so many during this time, both in my understanding of it all, and my personal development in this area. I've had some 'Eureka' moments, I've had many emotional ups and downs, highs and lows. I've cried, I've been incredulous, I've wondered, I've questioned, I've doubted, I've laughed, I've been angry and I've been ecstatic.

But one thing I am certain of, is my calling to ministry. I know why I am walking the earth in the skin that I have, with the personality and character and integrity that I possess. That is because God made me this way with this express purpose in mind.

I have stumbled in some areas, and had trouble understanding certain things but I feel now that I have a decent grasp on everything I will be tested on, although I daren't yet hope for the 'Yes' vote (I don't have the confidence that my peers in ministry have that I will be recommended for training you see, not quite anyway. I'd rather go into it with this mindset, rather than go in swaggering and brimming with confidence - not that that's me though, but you know what I mean)

So now, it's almost time to knock on the last door on this stage of my Christian journey, the door to training and beyond. Every door I have knocked on during the last 2 years on this path have opened for me, and I pray this last door will too.

I've decided to take some time out in the weeks running up to my BAP to go to Launde Abbey - the Diocesan retreat house for some days of reflection, for mental and spiritual preparation and some much needed one to one with God. It'll be precious time indeed and I'm really looking forward to it.

One final thought - and this means so much to me. It speaks about how deeply and intimately God knows us and that no matter where we go or what we do, He is always with us. Even if we try to escape him.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.