What you see is what you get...

........and now I'm going to get busy!

So I nervously approached the DDO's house for our first meeting, and rang the doorbell.

"Ah yes I DO recognise you now" Sue said the second she opened the door, "John told me I would".

She remembered me from the Vocations day I recently attended, a good start!

We discussed many things; my journey thus far, how I came to this point in my life, how I feel about it all, my family life, baptism, marriage details etc....

Then she asked me if I had any questions.

The only question I asked was whether she has first impressions of potential candidates when she meets them for the first time. "Yes, of course, I sometimes meet people and I have a feeling of 'Hmmmm....no....' but you don't need to worry Elaine, I'm not feeling that with you. You seem the type of person who's pretty affable and friendly, easy to get on with and very articulate, I feel that with you there's nothing hidden, that what you see is what you get, am I right?"

I felt like doing a lap of her lounge, but demurely sipped my coffee instead, nodding my understanding.

She quickly realised I was really very much a beginner in all this, I'm not frightened to say this either, I know I've got a long way to go and alot to learn, so we discussed that I'll probably meet her regularly for a year or two whilst I gain the background, experience and knowledge I'll need if I make it to a BAP.

So, I'm about to become the newest student at St John's college, Nottingham , as I take on some modules of the CCS (Certificate in Christian Studies) I never thought I'd be a card carrying student again after 19 years!

I've also got some reading to be getting on with (thank you Amazon!) and a portfolio to build covering the 9 criteria that the BAP will test me on:  http://callwaiting.org.uk/be-sure.aspx if you're interested to know what they are, and believe me, it's not as simple as you might think to fulfil these!

I also need to begin interviewing members of the clergy team for Breedon, to gain some insight into THEIR idea of ministry, to add to my portfolio and build up a picture of what life as a priest REALLY involves and how and where and IF I fit into all of this.

So I left Sue's house with a little spring in my step but not TOO big a spring because I know that even though I might do all of this preparation; college courses etc, reading and interviewing and over the next 2 years or so, and that I'll be as ready as I think I can be for a BAP if I make it that far........

.........I could still be turned down.

Where's my breakfast?

.....and I've never been so nervous in my life.

So Mark decided in his wisdom on Saturday night that when I did my bible reading on Sunday that instead of the response, "Thanks be to God", he was going to say, "Where's my breakfast?"

I wonder if my "You'll be in MAJOR trouble if you do" glance just before I left the pew to head to the front of the church made him change his mind?

It was a short but powerful reading, and particularly apt for Trinity Sunday and Father's Day 2 Corinthians 13 - v. 11 - end.

This'll be a short post today I reckon as I don't have much to report really except that I'm busy preparing myself for Thursday - the big meet with the DDO.

I think the reason why I'm so frightened is because this is where is gets suddenly VERY real.

I know it was a big step approaching John and telling him how I felt, and everything that has happened and everything that I've done since then has been in preparation for all of this, but I can't help feeling that meeting with Sue on Thursday is going to 'put me firmly on the map'  of exploring my vocation......


.......and that it'll all come crashing to a halt.

Power at last!

....and an agonising further 3 days to wait to meet the DDO.

So my next door neighbour called round the other day asking me if I could countersign his Passport form.

"Sorry" I said, "I'm not qualified to!"

But I had a look through the list of people who could though, just in case any of the other neighbours could help.

Then I saw it.

'Holders of Office or persons with standing in the community' - I reckoned this meant that I COULD countersign after all!

I'll explain how...

Seeing as I'm on this journey of exploration and all that (you know what I mean so I won't bore you again) my vicar John suggested it would be good for me to be elected to Breedon PCC (Parochial Church Council) at the next AGM.

So I nervously attended the AGM and was duly elected into office (no 'nays' I'm pleased to say but a resounding round of 'ayes') and I thus became the latest Parochial Church Councillor of Breedon church. You can Google what it means if you like but I find my role fascinating and it's a real honour and privilege to be a cog in the wheel that runs my lovely church.

So I happily (and rather proudly if I do say so myself) filled out the forms in my new and official capacity of a 'Holder of Office or person with Standing in the Community'.

But then after checking the Passport Office website, I found that just about ANYBODY can countersign a form nowadays, even Mark, as he's a Company Director....my dentist, the lady who runs the corner shop, the bloke who runs the pub over the road.......

.......and his dog too probably.


An email arrived from the DDO the other day asking if we could reschedule our meeting as she had a clash of business that day. Of course I replied that it would be no problem at all, and that I looked forward to meeting her on 23rd.

AARRGGHH! 3 more days of agony. I should see it as an opportunity to prepare myself even further. I see it as 3 further days of "What if?", "There's no way".

I'll be OK, I'll take a deep breath and go for it. Wish me luck!

Sometimes reading is bad for you....

....or bad for your resolve anyway!


So after further filling Amazon's coffers with my hard earned cash, I bought a book by a chap called Francis Dewar, 'Called or Collared?'.

This book is designed for those exploring their vocation, like me, to take an alternative approach to finding out what my calling might (or might not) mean.


By the first 3 or 4 pages, he had frightened the living daylights out of me by suggesting that sometimes those feeling called by God to something just assume that because they ARE feeling a call, it MUST be to ministry and nowhere else within the church, that the only inevitable conclusion to what they're feeling is ordination.


Well, this set me to thinking - "Oh NO!! What if that's what I've just assumed too?" but after reading a bit further and not throwing the book down in disgust (that Mr Dewar doesn't know me at all and couldn't possibly comment) he explained things a little more, and I relaxed!


But then, it started me thinking about the whole way that this has come about, from right back to what Aunty Em told me, my attending church more regularly, what my own vicar's thoughts on my calling are, and how things have panned out in my mind aswell as in my everyday Christian life. I dissected every single second of my journey thus far, examined my feelings in close detail, and even asked myself how I would feel if I had to drop everything I was feeling, drop my hopes and desires of ever becoming ordained, drop being the Intercessor in my church, drop being on the PCC, drop this overwhelming feeling I have of just where my call is leading me. And I realised something that gave me hope, and a little glimmer of light in the darkness of that moment of wondering if Mr Dewar actually had a point and was right about me all along:


That I still feel the same way. My feelings haven't changed, but are stronger than ever.


So now I'm trying to get it right in my head the things I want to tell the DDO when I meet her, if I could rip my heart and soul out and lay them on the table for her to see how I feel, there would be no doubt for her, or for the Bishops when (if...) I get that far. But of course I can't, so words will have to suffice.


I pray to God that He will help me find those words.