....but I daren't breathe all the way out just yet.
Meeting number 3 with the DDO yesterday. This time my incumbent John came with me.
I was kind of wondering why he had been asked to attend, curiosity killed the cat and all that, but it was soon made clear.
The DDO told me she was very pleased with the amount of work I have been doing, and pleased with my motivation and willingness to take on the tasks I have been set.
I must just say at this point that I'm not doing all this work because I feel I have to, I'm doing it all because I want to, and I'm very happy to. But I guess you already knew that!
I am enjoying my college course, 'Church & Ministry' from St John's in Nottingham which I am working hard on and yesterday I started my JiF (Journey in Faith) course over at St Martins House in Leicester, next door to the Cathedral. This is a year long course which is designed to give me the good solid theological backgrounding I'll need as I go about preparing for my BAP which will probably be around this time next year.
In the new year, I will be put on placement in a local church in order to gain ministerial experience, and I'm looking forward to this, you know, getting my teeth into preaching and ministry. I am also going to be participating more in services in my own church.
In the meantime I have to find a Spiritual Advisor and arrange to meet with them. These advisors are specially trained to meet with and talk to ordination candidates to help guide them through the process of discernment and beyond and to listen to and advise them in their ministry. It's a bit like going to see a shrink; it's all confidential, and what is discussed never leaves the room but I am told that this whole ordination journey can be very taxing on the spirit and the mind and that these advisors are especially trained to help with this. You have to 'click' with your advisor though because they'll be your spiritual mother, father and teacher for years to come, the relationship has to be just right.
Now, to explain how I feel about all this, I hope you can understand:
I feel like I have made huge steps forward from the day I realised I was being called by God, I was a crawling baby. I now feel like a toddler. Up and walking on my feet but still a bit wobbly. Over the next year or so, I'll become stronger, more knowledgeable, understand my faith and my church more and grow theologically.
With this comes confidence. Not total confidence, but the more I meet with people whose job it is to know these things and to hear them telling me that I already meet alot of parts of the 9 criteria for selection to training, but that in some areas I need to develop more, I am filled with hope.
I had a great meeting with the DDO yesterday. John was asked to voice his feelings about whether he sees me as a suitable candidate, and he was extremely positive and encouraging when he confirmed that yes, he's very pleased with me and my progress and he thinks I would be a good example of a suitable candidate for ordination training.
I now feel like the door on my own self doubt is starting to close and the door in front of me, the door to the BAP and beyond is open and I am being invited to walk through. I have doubted myself for so long, I'm unwilling to simply say, "Oh, OK then, you reckon I'm getting there and am suitable material so I must be going to pass my BAP and get through" but I am becoming more and more confident that I will get there and go through to ordination.
It's looking good from here. I'm unbelievably excited to think that I might just make it after all.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Things are changing....
....or more to the point I am changing.
Subtle little changes that I suppose only I can notice.
Things like being so much more tolerant of life's little challenges, bad tempered children, traffic jams, broken dishes, mirrors, bad hair days etc. They are what they are, there's no point in letting these things make you angry, you can't change them, so just relax, be calm and you'll get through it.
I'm definitely calmer nowadays, more accepting and less fraught about things I cannot change.
Is this God's influence? I like to think it is - God helping me towards being the patient and accepting person I would expect to be in the role of priest.
Of course, we all know that priests are human before they are anything else and that they should be allowed to have a place and a time where they can be themselves, but have you ever seen a priest who is constantly angry, sullen and bad tempered? If you have it would be a very rare thing indeed.
So with God's gentle influence on my life I continue on my journey, learning every day, taking on new and essential habits (like my now regular prayer life), I talk to God more, and listen more too. I'm growing in confidence (as my friend Sally told me at dinner last night- so maybe the changes in me are more outwardly visible than I thought)
And no, He hasn't spoken back to me, not using audible words anyway. But He influences me in a very quiet but definite way. It's all part of His plan for me you see. If it wasn't I wouldn't be on this journey and you wouldn't be reading this.
I'm still me though. The one I've always been.....
Subtle little changes that I suppose only I can notice.
Things like being so much more tolerant of life's little challenges, bad tempered children, traffic jams, broken dishes, mirrors, bad hair days etc. They are what they are, there's no point in letting these things make you angry, you can't change them, so just relax, be calm and you'll get through it.
I'm definitely calmer nowadays, more accepting and less fraught about things I cannot change.
Is this God's influence? I like to think it is - God helping me towards being the patient and accepting person I would expect to be in the role of priest.
Of course, we all know that priests are human before they are anything else and that they should be allowed to have a place and a time where they can be themselves, but have you ever seen a priest who is constantly angry, sullen and bad tempered? If you have it would be a very rare thing indeed.
So with God's gentle influence on my life I continue on my journey, learning every day, taking on new and essential habits (like my now regular prayer life), I talk to God more, and listen more too. I'm growing in confidence (as my friend Sally told me at dinner last night- so maybe the changes in me are more outwardly visible than I thought)
And no, He hasn't spoken back to me, not using audible words anyway. But He influences me in a very quiet but definite way. It's all part of His plan for me you see. If it wasn't I wouldn't be on this journey and you wouldn't be reading this.
I'm still me though. The one I've always been.....
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
It's all hotting up now!
It's time to make time and spend time.
At my second meeting with Sue, the DDO, she told me that it is very important to begin to develop a dedicated prayer life as I progress on this journey of exploration. By this she means that I should now begin the Daily Office of prayer.
To explain briefly, the Daily Office is time which is devoted to God and, at the relevant time of day to give thanks and praise for the life we lead, and to pray for and remember those who suffer, the world and those in authority, and along with readings from scripture, this act focuses oneself to tune into God and His being in our lives .
The Common Worship Daily Prayer book is the one mostly used and it gives the order of service for the 4 offices; Morning Prayer, Prayer during the day, Evening Prayer and Night Prayer. You can take on all 4 offices if you wish or you can choose any of the offices, but the minimum is at least Morning and Evening Prayer.
So, I decided to begin with Morning Prayer, since I'm new to all of this praying at home business. I laid all my readings out last night, bookmarked the morning Prayer for Tuesday section and the scripture readings. I flew out of bed and showered and washed my hair earlier than usual so I could dedicate the time properly and not rush through it.
I lit a candle and began. All in all it took about 20 minutes and I really enjoyed it, it was nice to be able to concentrate on something so important without interruption, and to focus all my attention to the task.
It made me realise I will definitely need to set this time aside every single day, so the family are under orders to either join in or leave me in peace during this time so I can concentrate (they chose to leave me to it funnily enough!)
______________
Last week I enrolled on the JiF (Journey in Faith) course starting at the end of this month. It's a 30 week course on Wednesday evenings at Leicester.
In 3 terms of about 10 weeks a term, the course breaks down thus:
Term 1 Exploring Faith
Sessions include an opportunity to consider our own faith journeys and an introduction to Theological Reflection.
Term 2 God’s Call and Our Response
Sessions include an introduction to the Old Testament
Term 3 Development of the Church
Sessions include an introduction to the New Testament and Church Doctrine - what we say we believe.
It will help me greatly to understand more of the church and my own faith, I'm rather looking forward to starting!
____________
Next up is a meeting between Sue, my vicar John (or 'Incumbent' as is the preferred title) and me on 28th September, to discuss further my current exploration. I'm very much looking forward to that as the more of these meetings I have, the more strongly I feel that there is now some real 'meat' to my feeling of calling, that it's taking shape and becoming more and more an integral part of my life.
Sue also asked me if I have considered going on a retreat. That is, taking time out of the rat race (usually 3 or 5 days), and taking myself and my books, my bible and thoughts and all of my hopes and prayers to Launde Abbey in Leicester, to spend the time focusing on God's call to me, a time which is spent mostly in silence, prayer and reflection. I would really love to do this, as I believe it would be immensely helpful for me to just be there, and listen - really LISTEN to God, and what He is asking me to do with no distractions; no telephone ringing, no text messages, no television, no doorbell. I also believe my spirit will feel refreshed by this time away and that I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.
I mentioned it to Mark and asked if he thought it might be possible for me to go, as I thought it a little selfish to do this, you know, put all the familial responsibility on him for 3 days while I go off on a jolly, but he assured me he doesn't see it that way and that it's important for me to be able to do this. He's great isn't he? What a lucky woman I am to have such a lovely, kind and understanding husband who supports me so selflessly.
Retreats are for anyone, 'churchy' or not, to be able to go and spend quiet time with themselves in a peaceful and tranquil setting, think of it as a facial for the spirit. Joining in is optional and you can take part in as much or as little as you want to, in fact if you want to just sit in the gardens and take in the beauty of nature for the whole time, fine. Joining in with the services and prayer time is also optional as the focus is in the word 'retreat'. A step back from the rigours of everyday life to get back in touch with yourself and your inner self. There is also the option of attending a 'Quiet Day', if you feel you can't spare the time for a full retreat.
There are of course numerous retreat centres around the country, but mine would be Launde Abbey. If you're interested to read all about making a retreat, click on the following link: http://www.launde.org.uk/whats.htm
At my second meeting with Sue, the DDO, she told me that it is very important to begin to develop a dedicated prayer life as I progress on this journey of exploration. By this she means that I should now begin the Daily Office of prayer.
To explain briefly, the Daily Office is time which is devoted to God and, at the relevant time of day to give thanks and praise for the life we lead, and to pray for and remember those who suffer, the world and those in authority, and along with readings from scripture, this act focuses oneself to tune into God and His being in our lives .
The Common Worship Daily Prayer book is the one mostly used and it gives the order of service for the 4 offices; Morning Prayer, Prayer during the day, Evening Prayer and Night Prayer. You can take on all 4 offices if you wish or you can choose any of the offices, but the minimum is at least Morning and Evening Prayer.
So, I decided to begin with Morning Prayer, since I'm new to all of this praying at home business. I laid all my readings out last night, bookmarked the morning Prayer for Tuesday section and the scripture readings. I flew out of bed and showered and washed my hair earlier than usual so I could dedicate the time properly and not rush through it.
I lit a candle and began. All in all it took about 20 minutes and I really enjoyed it, it was nice to be able to concentrate on something so important without interruption, and to focus all my attention to the task.
It made me realise I will definitely need to set this time aside every single day, so the family are under orders to either join in or leave me in peace during this time so I can concentrate (they chose to leave me to it funnily enough!)
______________
Last week I enrolled on the JiF (Journey in Faith) course starting at the end of this month. It's a 30 week course on Wednesday evenings at Leicester.
In 3 terms of about 10 weeks a term, the course breaks down thus:
Term 1 Exploring Faith
Sessions include an opportunity to consider our own faith journeys and an introduction to Theological Reflection.
Term 2 God’s Call and Our Response
Sessions include an introduction to the Old Testament
Term 3 Development of the Church
Sessions include an introduction to the New Testament and Church Doctrine - what we say we believe.
It will help me greatly to understand more of the church and my own faith, I'm rather looking forward to starting!
____________
Next up is a meeting between Sue, my vicar John (or 'Incumbent' as is the preferred title) and me on 28th September, to discuss further my current exploration. I'm very much looking forward to that as the more of these meetings I have, the more strongly I feel that there is now some real 'meat' to my feeling of calling, that it's taking shape and becoming more and more an integral part of my life.
Sue also asked me if I have considered going on a retreat. That is, taking time out of the rat race (usually 3 or 5 days), and taking myself and my books, my bible and thoughts and all of my hopes and prayers to Launde Abbey in Leicester, to spend the time focusing on God's call to me, a time which is spent mostly in silence, prayer and reflection. I would really love to do this, as I believe it would be immensely helpful for me to just be there, and listen - really LISTEN to God, and what He is asking me to do with no distractions; no telephone ringing, no text messages, no television, no doorbell. I also believe my spirit will feel refreshed by this time away and that I'll come back with a renewed sense of purpose and clarity.
I mentioned it to Mark and asked if he thought it might be possible for me to go, as I thought it a little selfish to do this, you know, put all the familial responsibility on him for 3 days while I go off on a jolly, but he assured me he doesn't see it that way and that it's important for me to be able to do this. He's great isn't he? What a lucky woman I am to have such a lovely, kind and understanding husband who supports me so selflessly.
Retreats are for anyone, 'churchy' or not, to be able to go and spend quiet time with themselves in a peaceful and tranquil setting, think of it as a facial for the spirit. Joining in is optional and you can take part in as much or as little as you want to, in fact if you want to just sit in the gardens and take in the beauty of nature for the whole time, fine. Joining in with the services and prayer time is also optional as the focus is in the word 'retreat'. A step back from the rigours of everyday life to get back in touch with yourself and your inner self. There is also the option of attending a 'Quiet Day', if you feel you can't spare the time for a full retreat.
There are of course numerous retreat centres around the country, but mine would be Launde Abbey. If you're interested to read all about making a retreat, click on the following link: http://www.launde.org.uk/whats.htm
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