I know exactly where I am going....
I suppose I've known it all along really but haven't had the courage to say it until now.
I won't bore you with it again, you know what I'm up to and where I'm headed.
Silly as it may sound, I think about it every day; I live and breathe my call, it never leaves me, and it's on my mind every minute of every day. It's woven into the very fabric that is me.
He's clever is God. Very clever indeed. He waited and waited. He watched and waited and when He decided I was ready, he pounced.
They say if God wants you for something, He gets you in the end, no matter how much you fight against it.
And I haven't really fought against it.
I did. In the beginning. But not now.
So there's the clarity. I know where I'm going.
Growth? You wouldn't believe how much I've grown. Grown into my faith, grown into my learning, grown into my role of a church leader, grown into the acceptance of not, 'Who me?' but now 'Yes, He does mean me'. And I still have much more growing to do.
I had a very pleasant lunch with a new Curate last week. We compared our callings and our journeys and we laughed at how similar they were/are. We laughed loads actually, because we could have been one and the same person experiencing the same journey and call. That gave me real hope and confidence.
I'm due to go to BAP sometime early in the new year, only a few months away. And for the first time in the last 2 years of my journey of discernment, I actually feel that I might stand a good chance of being accepted to training (should I dare to say this just yet?) So everybody tells me anyway. I never thought I'd feel ready or even remotely confident.
I pray for the advisors at my BAP to be open to understanding God's will for me and all the candidates.
Tuesday 25 September 2012
Tuesday 4 September 2012
Getting there on the "Why me?" and other things....
In the last few weeks and months, I have had some soul searching to do.
The problem I have had, as I mentioned before is the "Why me?" issue. When all around me I look and see so many people who would be so much more suited to the life of a Priest, I look at myself and think, "Why would God want ME? I'm so ordinary. I'm imperfect, I shout at my children, I think bad thoughts sometimes, why someone like me?"
But then, as my lovely husband points out, Jesus was an ordinary human himself. A simple man who dined with sinners, walked everywhere, argued with Priests and who died so that we wouldn't have to take the blame. How much more ordinary can you get?
Coupled with the fact that even clergy with whom I come into regular contact and work alongside tell me that they don't doubt my vocation is to the Priesthood, I'm actually getting there with the acceptance, I know full well where I am going and what I am moving towards, but it isn't easy to come to terms with, I can tell you.
If you asked me if in a practical sense I could 'do' Priest, 'be' Priest and live the life of a Priest, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. I know I posess the qualities of a Priest and willingness to lead and be led by God in everything I do. Growing into the acceptance that God is leading me to fulfilling what I believe is his plan for me - to become a Priest, has not been easy.
So, I recently gave myself a stern talking to, told myself to get over it, and to have the courage and the conviction to now say "Yes, God DOES mean me".
My latest meeting with the DDO went quite well I think, moving away from the difficulties I have had in articulating my vocation and onto other areas of the criteria which I will be tested on at my BAP, I'm feeling a bit more confident than I have before. Every day I learn something that clicks in my mind and gives me good, firm understanding of one of the many areas I will be tested on.
Thankfully I am finding people in the diocese who are able and very willing to help me on my journey, those who are happy to give of their time and sit and talk with me, share some information, opinions and ideas, all with a view to helping me gain real insight and understanding of the life I am (hopefully, please God) about to embark upon.
BAP dates of sometime before Christmas have been mentioned. 6 months ago I would have recoiled in horror at the thought of this, but I'm feeling a bit more confident as time goes on.
All I know is this: God has called me for something, I had no idea what but I told God I would put myself firmly in his hands and trust him to lead me wherever it was he wanted me to be. I've not questioned, fought against or argued with him about where I'm going, I have followed willingly and faithfully and I believe he is leading me to the life of a Priest.
I pray for God's continued guidance and leadership, and when it comes to it, a successful BAP.
The problem I have had, as I mentioned before is the "Why me?" issue. When all around me I look and see so many people who would be so much more suited to the life of a Priest, I look at myself and think, "Why would God want ME? I'm so ordinary. I'm imperfect, I shout at my children, I think bad thoughts sometimes, why someone like me?"
But then, as my lovely husband points out, Jesus was an ordinary human himself. A simple man who dined with sinners, walked everywhere, argued with Priests and who died so that we wouldn't have to take the blame. How much more ordinary can you get?
Coupled with the fact that even clergy with whom I come into regular contact and work alongside tell me that they don't doubt my vocation is to the Priesthood, I'm actually getting there with the acceptance, I know full well where I am going and what I am moving towards, but it isn't easy to come to terms with, I can tell you.
If you asked me if in a practical sense I could 'do' Priest, 'be' Priest and live the life of a Priest, I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. I know I posess the qualities of a Priest and willingness to lead and be led by God in everything I do. Growing into the acceptance that God is leading me to fulfilling what I believe is his plan for me - to become a Priest, has not been easy.
So, I recently gave myself a stern talking to, told myself to get over it, and to have the courage and the conviction to now say "Yes, God DOES mean me".
My latest meeting with the DDO went quite well I think, moving away from the difficulties I have had in articulating my vocation and onto other areas of the criteria which I will be tested on at my BAP, I'm feeling a bit more confident than I have before. Every day I learn something that clicks in my mind and gives me good, firm understanding of one of the many areas I will be tested on.
Thankfully I am finding people in the diocese who are able and very willing to help me on my journey, those who are happy to give of their time and sit and talk with me, share some information, opinions and ideas, all with a view to helping me gain real insight and understanding of the life I am (hopefully, please God) about to embark upon.
BAP dates of sometime before Christmas have been mentioned. 6 months ago I would have recoiled in horror at the thought of this, but I'm feeling a bit more confident as time goes on.
All I know is this: God has called me for something, I had no idea what but I told God I would put myself firmly in his hands and trust him to lead me wherever it was he wanted me to be. I've not questioned, fought against or argued with him about where I'm going, I have followed willingly and faithfully and I believe he is leading me to the life of a Priest.
I pray for God's continued guidance and leadership, and when it comes to it, a successful BAP.
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