As you know, I have struggled since Day 1 with 'owning' my calling to ordained ministry. I feel like I am totally NOT the right person for such a calling.
I realised, quite by accident, last week at the Bishops house, that I am meant to be doing what I'm doing, even if I cannot fathom why.
We (Ordinands) had been invited to the Bishops house for the annual Ordinands supper, where we get to meet him and his senior staff in a relaxed setting in his house.
It was this very setting that hit me like a brick wall and enabled me to let go of the feelings of doubt and questioning.
I'll explain.
After worship, we had a lovely supper and afterwards, the Bishop gathered us all in his lounge to talk about a few things and to update us on Diocesan news etc.
The Bishop himself sat there hunkered down on his lounge floor, leaning back on his hands, besuited, purple shirted, pectoral cross dangling around his neck. It was this sight that suddenly made me feel, "THAT'S why I feel so unable to own my calling! I have put it up so high away from me on a pedestal, feeling I'm not able to touch it because it's so high and I'm so low, this chap is a Bishop and is sitting there in such an everyday, human, ordinary pose, just like I do in my lounge!" Sounds so silly, doesn't it?
I hope you understand what I mean - God calls us in our humanness, with all our faults and imperfections (and I have many) and the keyword here (for me) is 'humanness'.
There was nothing more human right then and right there than the Bishop lolling around on his lounge floor cracking jokes and having a proper giggle with us all, to help me say that "Yes, I'm human, and God has called me as an imperfect human to do His work".
I left feeling ecstatic and told my husband that I had finally reached up to that pedestal and taken my vocation down and was holding it to myself, finally being able to own it as mine.
So I have stopped asking 'Why me?' (and believe me, it's harder than you might think) and I have instead started looking at myself in all my humanness and looking around me at all the ordained people I know, and seeing them in their humanness and realising that God knows what He's doing with me, even if at times, I haven't a clue!
So I answer when He calls, I willingly carry out the tasks that He sets me and I no longer wonder why. In fact I now use the 'why me' to help keep me focused on keeping that feeling of humanness. It will only serve me well.
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College is going well, I have made a pact with myself to make sure I take plenty of time to do my assignments, prepare well in advance and do my very best. I have submitted 3 assignments so far, but because I haven't had the first one back yet, I don't know if I'm on the right track with my presentation and style of writing - fingers crossed.
One silly thing that really helps me to get sat down and knuckle down to my work is my new desk (green leather topped - old - my kind of thing) and the new 'spinny roundy' chair I bought myself last week. I figured this was far preferable to a patio chair borrowed from the garden and much more suitable for my posterior when I'm sat at my desk for anything up to 6/7 hours at a time. That's if, of course, I can get Kitty off it - she wheels it over to the lounge and spins around while she watches TV whenever I'm not sat in it. I'm struggling to make both the desk and my chair 'my own' as both are regularly hijacked for homework purposes, general felt tip colouring in and of course, just being able to spin around. I like that.
I was very pleased to have made real inroads into both assignments before Christmas so that I could take a proper break and enjoy the time with my family, without feeling the anxiety of needing to get work done. This way of working, I realise is the way I'll continue, as it works for me.
College starts again tomorrow, and goes straight into a residential weekend on Friday, both of which I'm really looking forward to - getting back into my studies, college life and the much needed and loved fellowship with my new classmates and friends.
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I've been speaking to friends recently about how they feel about their calling from God. Some friends in particular are just starting to begin discerning a calling and are struggling to comprehend what and why, and to see where they fit in. One friend in particular describes me as his 'Go To' person when he feels the need to talk about it.
I'm humbled by this and am very pleased that he feels I can help but I know that between us is God, putting us together in conversation so that, by relaying to him my experiences of the last 3/4 years, he can see the similarities and the differences and begin working out where he fits into the whole ministry thing.
For him and for all those struggling with understanding a call, I offer this prayer, which was said at the Bishops supper during worship and which also helped me to 'Let go and let God'.
I hope it helps you to let go and let God take over, to be able to put yourself firmly in His hands and to trust that He will look after you, He will take very good care of you and that He will never fail you:
Renewal of the Covenant
I am no longer my own but yours;
Put me to what you will
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering,
let me be employed for you
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing;
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours.
So be it.
And the covenant now made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.
