This first year has been a time of transition, realisation, anxiety, joy, laughter and thankfulness.
Transition - Moving along on the path towards ordained ministry, into the arena of the Theological College, becoming a student (again, after 20 years) and immersing myself into the life of the place has been incredibly nerve wracking at times. "Can I do this?", "I haven't studied at this level for a really long time", "What if I can't do it?".
I'm pleased to say that I have been absolutely OK, just like some very wise friends and colleagues told me I would be. The structure of the education here is such that it takes total beginners and very gently moulds the mind, moulds the person and gives the student the tools and the support they need in just the right amounts for them to start thinking for themselves in the ways that ministry requires.
Realisation - That I can actually do this thing! Parts of me have always doubted my ability to grasp and run with really deep and thought inspiring things such as an education in Theology. I suppose I've always had an idea that high level study like this is not for me and so I have allowed myself to be intimidated by my own insecurities.
To be receiving essays back from my tutors with some incredibly good and constructive advice and feedback but with what is considered a good mark has boosted my confidence immensely and although I'd be stuck for telling you just how I feel I've grown and expanded my thoughts processes over the year, the feeling of growth seems to be evident in my tutors feedback and essay marks. I've made sure to not allow myself to wallow in self pity if I've received a borderline pass mark but to use it to my advantage and to learn from it, and to apply what I've learned in the next pieces.
Anxiety - There is always at the back of my mind (and rightly so) the question of "How is my family doing? How are they doing when I'm not there?".
They seem to be fine and this, I believe is mostly down to the fact that we are a strong unit. Video calls over the net and "Good Morning/Good Night" phone calls are our routine now whenever I'm away for a weekend or for a week. Plus, the girls say, "Dad always says 'Yes' when you're not here!" so thankfully I'm not missed too much when I'm away! We make sure to spend good quality time together as a family when I am home and this is really important.
Other anxieties, which are a normal part of the training are obviously waiting for an essay to be returned, but also when leading worship over a weekend, planning a service, and hoping the feedback tells you you're on the right track.
Joy - One of the things I have enjoyed most is the fellowship here at college. Even those with whom I'm not too familiar greet me like an old friend, and I them. No one is a stranger for long here. In my year group are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and we all get on very well. There is such a diverse mix of backgrounds, traditions and cultures in my year group and nothing separates us from each other. My college, Queen's Foundation, is an Ecumenical college, training ministers from many churches, including the Church of England. I am learning so much from my Pentecostal, Salvation Army, Methodist and Independent colleagues and tutors; I truly believe that I will be all the better in my own future ministry for having experienced and learned from these people and their churches and traditions.
Laughter - I have never laughed so much! Theological College is, as you can imagine, an incredibly uplifting and joyful environment to be in and it feels that naturally, emotions and spirits will also be uplifted here. We have the inevitable clowning around in class, but there is such a strong feel of God's love permeating the very corridors and pathways, it's difficult not to be joyful and spiritually supported here.
Thankfulness - I have so many things to be thankful for. The opportunities that I have been blessed with throughout the whole discernment process (though at the time, many of them felt like millstones around my neck), the people with whom I have come into contact over this time, the experience of ministry and ministering to (and with) people in my current lay capacity, the whole 9 yards. All of it has been quite amazing and I feel so thankful that God has called me to all of this - to think I once did not want this life, tried ignoring God, running away, simply not listening to what God was trying to tell me.
All of this is not without its challenges; it is not all a bowl of peaches. Even now in training, I experience crashing lows, I question God, I rant and rage. But running through my life like a living stream is that still, small voice of God telling me that it's all being taken care of, if I remember to keep letting go and to put it all in God's hands. The word for this is Hope.
I am very aware that I am in God's hands; all that I am, and do and be is in God's hands, from the day I stepped off that precipice, until the day I breathe my last earthly breath.
It's a wonderful place to be.
Image from www.askamathematician.com
And as my first year comes to a close, I realise that I do feel different, I do feel that I have grown and am continuing to grow. The second year will be the one where the feeling of tiredness has worn off, the confusion and dazed feeling has gone and I feel settled and ready for more, more learning and more growing.
