Still wondering why me?

It's been a while since I've posted and in that time I have settled in quite nicely to the practical side of ministry; assisting the priest during services, devising exciting childrens services, being let loose and taking services unsupervised and all the other things that practical ministry entails.


As far as my spiritual life is developing I know I need to find times to let God in, to spend quality time reading scripture and developing a regular prayer life and allowing them to weave into my everyday life so that the two exist happily together in the same body, and I'm enjoying making this transition. I still go up to my beloved Mount St Bernards Abbey as often as I can (I'm becoming a bit of a Friday regular there nowadays, taking my Bible and my prayers and thoughts, hopes and fears and presenting myself to God so we can be together and talk for an hour or so) it's such precious time and I wish I could step back and do it more often, as when I leave I love the sense of peace that washes over me and the feeling that I have God within me and all around me. Still, I say my night prayer almost every night, and offer up impromptu prayers throughout the day as I feel the need, although really developing regular prayer time is something I'm enjoying making room for in my life. I have a Quiet Day booked at Launde Abbey in July and I'm really ready for this. I loved the last one I went on and am really looking forward to taking time out from the rat race and spending a day in complete silence in the presence of God.


Following my last meeting with the DDO, I have had my head in the books, just really getting to know the ins and outs of my Christian faith, finding out things I need to know and getting a good grasp on who I am and what I am in regards to my faith and what it means to me.


I decided to put my BAP back until Spring 2013 because I still don't feel, even 16 months into my exploration and discerning my calling, that I could confidently attend an Autumn BAP but then again, I am not feeling that I could EVER confidently attend a BAP! I'm sure I'm not alone in this though and other candidates will no doubt be feeling the same way.


I try to find other peoples experiences of their journeys and BAPs on the net and sometimes I'll find a great blog that someone has written that fills me with confidence (even if only for a short while) and then I read others that fill me with dread (I've decided I'm going to stop reading!) especially when I hear about candidates who have attended a BAP with years and years of discerning and preparation under their belts, who are not recommended.


So at my next meeting with the DDO tomorrow, I have been told I will be undergoing a mock interview on the first 2 criteria. I have read and re-read, swotted and read some more and think I have a pretty good grasp on things as long as I can articulate myself well enough. I tend to go into these sort of things a bag of nerves and lose all ability to think coherently, or even speak properly and it's this that is bothering me. 


I can know everything I need to know, have learnt as much as I can, have pre-formed responses in my mind to all the types of random questions I will have been tested on beforehand, but I'll still make a huge fool of myself when it comes to the real thing and I'll sit there like a blithering idiot, mumbling silly answers whilst the great responses are screaming in my head to be let out! 


I'm praying tomorrows meeting will be OK, that I'll find the words I need to find and say the right things and leave with a sense that I might just be OK after all......but we'll see.