Sometimes reading is bad for you....

....or bad for your resolve anyway!


So after further filling Amazon's coffers with my hard earned cash, I bought a book by a chap called Francis Dewar, 'Called or Collared?'.

This book is designed for those exploring their vocation, like me, to take an alternative approach to finding out what my calling might (or might not) mean.


By the first 3 or 4 pages, he had frightened the living daylights out of me by suggesting that sometimes those feeling called by God to something just assume that because they ARE feeling a call, it MUST be to ministry and nowhere else within the church, that the only inevitable conclusion to what they're feeling is ordination.


Well, this set me to thinking - "Oh NO!! What if that's what I've just assumed too?" but after reading a bit further and not throwing the book down in disgust (that Mr Dewar doesn't know me at all and couldn't possibly comment) he explained things a little more, and I relaxed!


But then, it started me thinking about the whole way that this has come about, from right back to what Aunty Em told me, my attending church more regularly, what my own vicar's thoughts on my calling are, and how things have panned out in my mind aswell as in my everyday Christian life. I dissected every single second of my journey thus far, examined my feelings in close detail, and even asked myself how I would feel if I had to drop everything I was feeling, drop my hopes and desires of ever becoming ordained, drop being the Intercessor in my church, drop being on the PCC, drop this overwhelming feeling I have of just where my call is leading me. And I realised something that gave me hope, and a little glimmer of light in the darkness of that moment of wondering if Mr Dewar actually had a point and was right about me all along:


That I still feel the same way. My feelings haven't changed, but are stronger than ever.


So now I'm trying to get it right in my head the things I want to tell the DDO when I meet her, if I could rip my heart and soul out and lay them on the table for her to see how I feel, there would be no doubt for her, or for the Bishops when (if...) I get that far. But of course I can't, so words will have to suffice.


I pray to God that He will help me find those words.